(ノ^_^)ノ try DownloadStreamable.com download streamable videos

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.


Dave Barry

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybo...
DAVE BERRY
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybo...
DAVE BARRY
Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns h...
DAVE BARRY
Dave Barry Turns 50
DAVE BARRY
How to be wealthy;Birth an idea & then take it to the market place & believe that the market place w...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN)
There's even a couple of players from the 1950 Lou Ball (clothing store) junior B team. We hoping to...
BRUCE HUFF
You never make fun of anybody with a club foot or a withered arm, but it's open season on anybod...
JOE BIDEN
As awkward as it sounds. I'm not Shane Larkin, Barry Larkin's son, anymore. It's Barry L...
SHANE LARKIN
Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it
SARA SHEPARD
I re-invented my image so many times that I'm in denial that I was originally an overweight Kore...
DAVID BOWIE
Anyone who was tempted to draw comparisons between my father's 'Dave Robicheaux' series ...
ALAFAIR BURKE
Barry Bonds was still young when his father's fall began. Although Bobby still continued to put ...
DAVID GRANN
Tiny Tim? Anyone could sing like that. It's atrocious. It's hideous, really.
MAURICE GIBB
It's not just being overweight that's dangerous. Stress is dangerous.
CARNIE WILSON
It's only the losers named 'Dave' that think having an unusual name is bad, and who care...
PENN JILLETTE
The real differences around the world today are not between Jews and Arabs; Protestants and Catholic...
BILL CLINTON
There's something about being at the tournaments that you don't really get on TV, although g...
BILL PAXTON
We're seeing a minor technical rebound after Wall Street rebounded from two days of losses. The key ...
ANDREW TO
We are afraid that our freedoms and liberties will be infringed in the future.
ANDREW TO
One major teaching of the Protestants that we the Protestants of today must go back to is the fact t...
SUNDAY ADELAJA
People who want to live in an upscale golf community today are looking for more than great golf.
MATT SLOAN
Using assistive technology with your child prevents your child from missing out on content solely be...
SANDRA K. COOK
My fans kept asking where they could get clothes like Destiny's Child's, so it was only natu...
BEYONCE KNOWLES
I am not a wolf in sheep's clothing, I'm a wolf in wolf's clothing.
RICKY GERVAIS
I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's ...
DYLAN MORAN
It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON
Sports formed me. I was always decently skilled but lacked size, so I had to resort to using my skil...
ZACH JOHNSON
Does anyone remember who shot Kubrick's movies? Do you remember who shot David Lean's movies...
MICHAEL CIMINO
Giving back is the right thing to do, whether it's donating clothing or even just a smile to som...
BECKY G
There's nobody who loves being around actors working more than David Mamet, especially actors br...
CLARK GREGG
I hate overweight, because it implies that there's a weight standard I should be adhering to.
CAMRYN MANHEIM
Facebook was not originally created to be a company. It was built to accomplish a social mission - t...
MARK ZUCKERBERG
The market is still waiting for HSBC results, which will have a big impact on the direction of the m...
ANDREW TO
Property shares had a technical rebound, but interest rate concerns will still affect properties unt...
ANDREW TO
Trading seems to be focusing on selective counters because investors are cautious amid interest rate...
ANDREW TO
I think there was some minor selling pressure on telecom stocks as the market continued to see a wea...
ANDREW TO
To feel today what one felt yesterday isn't to feel - it's to remember today what was felt y...
FERNANDO PESSOA
As an adult, it's a huge shock to be orphaned; as a child it's just hideous, ghastly.
KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS
In golf, it's almost impossible to be perfect on each shot; that's the fun and challenge of ...
YANI TSENG
We only got clothing once a year, like, right before school began. It's like, that's when yo...
BRUCE ERIC KAPLAN
Do I have the courage of being a ruthless man to myself with the complete knowledge on my manner or ...
FEREIDOON YAZDI
People who think it doesn't matter who owns our auto industry are flat wrong.
ROBERT LUTZ
I'm a mentor to anybody who's interested.
CLINT EASTWOOD
You were lying to Dave because you wanted to keep the lines of communication open? Dave had never re...
KATHARINE LIELL
If you didn't go out every time it was raining, you wouldn't get anything done. So it's ...
BRADLEY WIGGINS
Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea.
JUDE WATSON
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
HENNY YOUNGMAN
It was Gloria who was originally approached to appear on the show and she asked me to partner her.
FREDERICK FORSYTH
It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill
JUDE WATSON
For me, it's sad to say, but I would probably have a spiritual marriage but not a legal marriage...
ANDIE MACDOWELL
I don't know anybody who didn't love Dave Brown. He was a special guy: a special player and a specia...
GARY WRIGHT
It's a magpie aesthetic: If something is hideous, that's interesting. It's kind of the s...
MARC JACOBS
Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON
Anybody can be going from being broke to being wealthy, as I did.
JON LOVITZ
I hate golf to be tricked up. To me it's a fun game.
FUZZY ZOELLER
Golf is a game with morals. There's always an opportunity to be a scoundrel. That's why it&#...
KATT WILLIAMS
It's dangerous to be anybody popular.
YOUNG THUG
Pretty much anybody who's ever worked can relate to our show.
RAINN WILSON
[Dave Barry, who wrote jokes for Martin's Oscar-hosting gig two years ago, mentioned that he perform...
DAVE BARRY
You think about who needs Dropbox, and it's just about anybody with a pulse.
DREW HOUSTON
Anybody who has traveled with a significant other before knows it's tough.
BURNIE BURNS
Bank of China's results were quite good; double-digit growth can be taken as good results for a bank...
ANDREW TO
The index tried to challenge 18,000 but failed, so that triggered profit taking. Tokyo's slide also ...
ANDREW TO
Some investors have returned to pick up the stock at bargain prices.
ANDREW TO
I think the take-up for the placement is not too good and other property developers may be discourag...
ANDREW TO
I was keen to stage 'Faust,' although I find Goethe's 'Faust' indigestible.
SIMON MCBURNEY
I was dyslexic before anybody knew what dyslexia was. I was called 'slow'. It's an awful...
ROBERT BENTON
Any of the social changes in American history are because people thought there was injustice. We hav...
CHARLES KOCH
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?
BEN HOGAN
Although Dave was widely popular, he was never very comfortable as a celebrity. He kept reminding us...
JACK SCHUESSLER
Especially in local elections, because hardly anybody pays attention to those - but it's really ...
JELLO BIAFRA
It's definitely weird, because pretty much everybody owns the Tony Hawk videogame. Just going ov...
BAM MARGERA
It was Jack's and Tom Watson's day yesterday. But today, it's another day.
FUZZY ZOELLER
Anybody who has been discriminated against, who comes from a group that's been discriminated aga...
RUTH BADER GINSBURG
The Andersen Worldwide counterclaim is as illogical today as when it was originally filed 19 months ...
ROXANNE TAYLOR
Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even fun...
JOE ROGAN
It is very serious for children because there is growing evidence of early onset diabetes in childre...
ANNA WALKER
Ask anybody who has ever remodeled their house. There's always problems. They open up walls, the...
ALAN CASDEN
Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.
EDMUND BURKE
She loved him, even though it was so hard to love anybody else after loving my dad. I think I knew t...
MARGARET MCMULLAN
I play golf because it's fun.
BUBBA WATSON
When I was a boy, the Sioux owned the world. The sun rose and set on their land; they sent ten thous...
SITTING BULL
I treat clothing or a piece of jewelry like it was a piece of art, even though people who collect cl...
DAPHNE GUINNESS
I don't want to intimidate people. There's nothing bullyish about me, you know. If there'...
DAVE BAUTISTA
We read to know we're not alone.
WILLIAM NICHOLSON
Nobody owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death.
WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS
How to get it, I annoy you???
You are not interested???

What's the idea???
DEYTH BANGER
It certainly was difficult to sell NAFTA because it's always difficult to sell open markets.
LAWRENCE SUMMERS
I never thought that buying supplements and vitamins, it was going to hurt anybody's feelings.
DAVID ORTIZ
'Human' was controversial within The Killers way before it was controversial to the rest of ...
BRANDON FLOWERS
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This had made many people very angry and has been wi...
DOUGLAS ADAMS
I think that's most unfortunate about our Democratic system, that you're confining it to peo...
BIRCH BAYH
The people who watched 'Dawson's Creek' when it originally aired aren't too old to e...
KERR SMITH
I think it?s a very good idea. If it can work, Dave?s the person who can make it (happen).
DICK HANDBURY
The temperature was hot, the golf was hot, everything was hot today.
MARC CAYEUX
Love never dies.
JAMES PATTERSON
Sitting on the airplane seat today, I was thinking - I have been in different cities every week. Mos...
YANI TSENG
Who owns Anne Frank?
CYNTHIA OZICK
I love wearing men's clothing and underwear.
ZOE SALDANA
'Bambi' is an amazing film, and when you watch it today, it's just as beautiful. It'...
JOHN LASSETER

More Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would b...
DAVE BARRY
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
DAVE BARRY
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see wit...
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at...
DAVE BARRY
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the...
DAVE BARRY
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, includi...
DAVE BARRY
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another pe...
DAVE BARRY
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
DAVE BARRY
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
DAVE BARRY
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news p...
DAVE BARRY
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does...
DAVE BARRY
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, w...
DAVE BARRY
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using...
DAVE BARRY
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any ...
DAVE BARRY
We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reor...
DAVE BARRY
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Pl...
DAVE BARRY
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own person...
DAVE BARRY
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on you...
DAVE BARRY
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty...
DAVE BARRY
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
DAVE BARRY
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick
DAVE BARRY
I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very mu...
DAVE BARRY
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winte...
DAVE BARRY
one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurrican...
DAVE BARRY
You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.
DAVE BARRY
We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England...
DAVE BARRY
Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look...
DAVE BARRY
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
DAVE BARRY
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a c...
DAVE BARRY
For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour (metric equivalent: 37...
DAVE BARRY
I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored E...
DAVE BARRY
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
DAVE BARRY
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
DAVE BARRY
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans I bet you'd find that only two of them could...
DAVE BARRY
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always...
DAVE BARRY
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I ...
DAVE BARRY
USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'
DAVE BARRY
UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 ton...
DAVE BARRY
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Den...
DAVE BARRY
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
DAVE BARRY
I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored E...
DAVE BARRY
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of fallin...
DAVE BARRY
To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like...
DAVE BARRY
Dave Barry Turns 50
DAVE BARRY
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless...
DAVE BARRY
normal person's weekly chore list:
1. clean kitchen.
2. clean bathroom.
3. clean enti...
DAVE BARRY
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eye...
DAVE BARRY
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and...
DAVE BARRY
Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.
DAVE BARRY
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see wi...
DAVE BARRY
Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
DAVE BARRY
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know ...
DAVE BARRY
The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter ...
DAVE BARRY
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
DAVE BARRY
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any ...
DAVE BARRY
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that h...
DAVE BARRY
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won...
DAVE BARRY
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybo...
DAVE BARRY
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting techniq...
DAVE BARRY
What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such ...
DAVE BARRY
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
DAVE BARRY
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his ...
DAVE BARRY
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admi...
DAVE BARRY
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
DAVE BARRY
We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just abo...
DAVE BARRY
I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY
There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you...
DAVE BARRY
Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while ...
DAVE BARRY
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until...
DAVE BARRY
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - yo...
DAVE BARRY
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as bei...
DAVE BARRY
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers...
DAVE BARRY
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
DAVE BARRY
In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers ...
DAVE BARRY
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until...
DAVE BARRY
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a c...
DAVE BARRY
Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the b...
DAVE BARRY
And Ted Koppel comes walking down the aisle. We'd met a few times, so we said hello.
DAVE BARRY
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
DAVE BARRY
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
DAVE BARRY
He could be a testosterone donor.
DAVE BARRY
You can only be young once but you can always be immature.
DAVE BARRY
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characteri...
DAVE BARRY
One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or "fat recycling" wherein fat cel...
DAVE BARRY
I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newsp...
DAVE BARRY
Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, on...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should ari...
DAVE BARRY
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck throug...
DAVE BARRY
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have...
DAVE BARRY
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
DAVE BARRY
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withsta...
DAVE BARRY
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this chan...
DAVE BARRY
I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall belie...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant d...
DAVE BARRY
drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.
DAVE BARRY
I've been asked to make an announcement, ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've bee...
DAVE BARRY
Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
DAVE BARRY
Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones...
DAVE BARRY
So for some reason everybody makes this huge deal about pandas. I don't know why. They never actuall...
DAVE BARRY
There were letters on the bottom, letters he'd seen before, on the ship that had carried him from Lo...
DAVE BARRY
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
DAVE BARRY
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
DAVE BARRY
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television witho...
DAVE BARRY
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
DAVE BARRY
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is ...
DAVE BARRY
It was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have...
DAVE BARRY
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
DAVE BARRY
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is ba...
DAVE BARRY
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormit...
DAVE BARRY
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popula...
DAVE BARRY
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated ...
DAVE BARRY
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in...
DAVE BARRY
I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Futu...
DAVE BARRY
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
DAVE BARRY
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to sa...
DAVE BARRY
And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to ta...
DAVE BARRY
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a compute...
DAVE BARRY
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and att...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for b...
DAVE BARRY
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitutio...
DAVE BARRY
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a mor...
DAVE BARRY
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is read...
DAVE BARRY
USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'
DAVE BARRY
I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person...
DAVE BARRY
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as bei...
DAVE BARRY
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers...
DAVE BARRY
To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like...
DAVE BARRY
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetol...
DAVE BARRY
The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison... Edison's first major invention, in ...
DAVE BARRY
I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I s...
DAVE BARRY
I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious min...
DAVE BARRY
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not...
DAVE BARRY
UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 ton...
DAVE BARRY
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
DAVE BARRY
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person
DAVE BARRY
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. (This is also true of relig...
DAVE BARRY
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Den...
DAVE BARRY
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetol...
DAVE BARRY
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to ...
DAVE BARRY
The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "...
DAVE BARRY
It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itse...
DAVE BARRY
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger...
DAVE BARRY
It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearne...
DAVE BARRY
The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
DAVE BARRY
Ridley is a tea drinker.
DAVE BARRY
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuc...
DAVE BARRY
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his ...
DAVE BARRY
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably...
DAVE BARRY
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religi...
DAVE BARRY
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
DAVE BARRY
People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'.
DAVE BARRY
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software inco...
DAVE BARRY
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't ca...
DAVE BARRY
1996 also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left b...
DAVE BARRY
All good things must come to an end, but all bad things can continue forever.
DAVE BARRY
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with som...
DAVE BARRY
Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, yo...
DAVE BARRY
But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unf...
DAVE BARRY
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regard...
DAVE BARRY
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling y...
DAVE BARRY
We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how
DAVE BARRY
Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses t...
DAVE BARRY
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no n...
DAVE BARRY
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions...
DAVE BARRY
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be att...
DAVE BARRY
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
DAVE BARRY
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
DAVE BARRY
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...
DAVE BARRY
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
DAVE BARRY
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
DAVE BARRY
I'd take a nerf bullet for you.
DAVE BARRY
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the ...
DAVE BARRY
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
DAVE BARRY
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they...
DAVE BARRY
A thunderstorm is God's way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer
DAVE BARRY
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withst...
DAVE BARRY
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
DAVE BARRY
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious pe...
DAVE BARRY
New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace ...
DAVE BARRY
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with th...
DAVE BARRY
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this i...
DAVE BARRY
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
DAVE BARRY
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answ...
DAVE BARRY
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacInto...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed...
DAVE BARRY
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, D...
DAVE BARRY
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Int...
DAVE BARRY
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
DAVE BARRY
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY