(:3 っ)っ try DownloadStreamable.com download streamable videos

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.


George Carlin

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, mo...
DENIS LEARY
You look at Richard Pryor and Robert Klein and George Carlin and Richard Lewis - those guys were so ...
ARI GRAYNOR
It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech an...
RON WHITE
As Richard Pryor was to Eddie Murphy, that's what Kurt Vonnegut was to me.
CHRISTOPHER MOORE
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, ...
CHRIS ROCK
One of my greatest inspirations for stand-up was Jonathan Winters. He was a genius. One thing about ...
ROBERT KLEIN
When I was a bit older I had all of the George Carlin records, all of the Steve Martin records, all ...
MARC MARON
I love edgy comedy. 'Coming to America' still gets me and 'Friday.' I watch old Rich...
TAMRON HALL
By expressing his heart, anger and joy, Richard Pryor took comedy to its highest form.
STEVE MARTIN
I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for...
GEORGE LOPEZ
The first time I heard Richard Pryor, I knew he would be a major force in the world of comedy.
BOB NEWHART
I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.
ARTIE LANGE
The king of comedy is dead. Richard Pryor was the king of comedy. The rest of them are the king of c...
PAUL MOONEY
Our founders did not oust George III in order for us to crown Richard I.
RALPH NADER
People walked out on Richard Pryor and he's the funniest man alive.
TRACY MORGAN
Now I start my diary of my personal plot to kill by pistol either Richard Nixon or George Wallace.
ARTHUR BREMER
At the end of the day, I want to be part of the same conversation as Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Dave ...
KEVIN HART
Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that...
JOE ROGAN
The best comedy to me - and again, I grew up with comedy since I was a baby, so I've seen it all...
PAULY SHORE
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit.
RICHARD PRYOR
Even now, more than 30 years later, I still judge people on the basis of whether they voted for Jack...
HUNTER S. THOMPSON
It is my personal plan to assassinate by pistol either Richard Nixon or George Wallace.
ARTHUR BREMER
We don't have a lot of guys that have been deep in the postseason. (But) Richard is one of those guy...
BEN BRAUN
I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely cl...
JOE ROGAN
On the comedy side of what I love as a filmmaker are Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, and Eddie Murphy; t...
DAVID DOBKIN
So I've realized that this outfit is part of Richard Petty now. And the real Richard Petty is still ...
RICHARD PETTY
I've never seen anyone more messed up over success than Richard Pryor. For him, it's a const...
PAUL MOONEY
Richard called one day and said, 'You know, I want to pitch this movie to you,'
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
Jane Heard.
ONE
Edward lives as if there is no tomorrow, Richard as if he wants no tomorrow, and George as though so...
PHILIPPA GREGORY
Richard is a very sexy man. He's got that sort of jungle essence that one can sense." (on Richard Bu...
ELIZABETH TAYLOR
When I was 8, I thought I was Harrison Ford, Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor, Elvis, and Chuck Norris all...
DWAYNE JOHNSON
I learned from the guys before me - Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Richard Pryor, just to nam...
KEVIN HART
People like to compare something to something that they know. Even with Chris Rock, they say he'...
HANNIBAL BURESS
I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT
We are thrilled that Richard Edgar has decided to continue his academic and athletic career at Georg...
GREG ANDRULIS
When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, ...
ARTIE LANGE
What we saw in Richard Nixon's face was the panic in his soul. – Richard Goodwin
DAVID PIETRUSZA
We wanted to include the most memorable people. Richard and Jonathan were both high on the list. Ric...
ANDY COHEN
There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Rich...
ALAN KING
I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI
In rage deaf as the sea, hasty as fire. -King Richard II. Act i. Sc. 1.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it.
CINDY CRAWFORD
Richard Pryor introduced me to the world of the inner city, and the urban world, and did it hysteric...
BOB NEWHART
I grew up having two different perspectives - one in English, one in Spanish. Two different cultures...
PRINCE ROYCE
I woke up one morning with this song in my head, and the opening line of the song is, 'My name w...
BRUCE COCKBURN
After having a two-goal lead, I think these guys got too comfortable. In soccer, a two-goal lead is ...
HUGO LUNA
I was in love with a lot of people, because I was a student of the game of comedy - Carol Burnett, J...
BERNIE MAC
Thou troublest me; I am not in the vein. -King Richard III. Act iv. Sc. 2.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
We believe that in your province you have granted a second term to our president, George W. Bush, an...
BILLY GRAHAM
Richard was a riddle with no answer, and I was tired of playing a game I couldn't win.
LAURELL K. HAMILTON
Richard Donner is one of the few directors in Hollywood that can make whatever movie he wants exactl...
LANA WACHOWSKI
I still had this idea that there was a whole world of marvelous golden people somewhere, as far ahea...
RICHARD YATES
I am sure you will be guided right in your decision, to place implicit faith in his integrity and ho...
HANNAH NIXON
Now, Richard Pryor was unique. Many misunderstood his humor. He lit up the hallway, but they didn...
BILL COSBY
Richard opened his hand, and the key stared up at him from his palm. "By my crooked teeth," asked Ri...
NEIL GAIMAN
He was hanging his head, his coat wouldn't turn - it was almost like he was depressed, ... Richard d...
BOB BONE
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny ...
DENIS LEARY
Give me another horse: bind up my wounds. -King Richard III. Act v. Sc. 3.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Drew really reminds me a lot of Richard Todd. Richard could make a great play one minute, then throw...
JOE WALTON
I liked Little Richard!
WANDA JACKSON
I showed him how to do it, how to work in TV. There's a formula. Richard ran with it.
CHRIS DAVIS
What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh.
BRUCE VILANCH
No-one can replace Richard Wright - he was my musical partner and my friend.
DAVID GILMOUR
What do I fear? Myself? There’s none else by.
Richard loves Richard; that is, I and I.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
It's not ever just one guy, but Richard definitely makes a big difference. He's unstoppable if you t...
WILLIE MCGINEST
Early is James Brown, Little Richard and Smokey Robinson rolled into one.
HARRY BRYCE
People in Britain see Richard Quest as a kind of an offensive cartoon character.
JOHN OLIVER
He just has one of those bodies, kind of like (Detroit's Richard) Hamilton, and the wiry-type guys c...
BRIAN HILL
However, all gifts seem now to be absorbed in one and a man must be either a Preacher or nothing.
ADAM CLARKE
He's got a can up there,' Richard said.
JOHN STEINBECK
It takes experience to know what is a catastrophe (Richard Hughes, 'A High Wind in Jamaica'),
MAILE MELOY
Life is the future, not the past. The past can teach us, through experience, how to accomplish thing...
TERRY GOODKIND
I've played almost every lead character from Henry VI to Othello. I'm dying to tackle Richar...
TED LANGE
I had a handful of records, but when I was 11 years old, I liked Puccini as much as Little Richard. ...
PATTI SMITH
Richard Serra, the great sculptor, personifies an artist for me.
CHARLIE ROSE
Nothing stands still, except in our memory.
PHILIPPA PEARCE
Richard Bach with this book does two things. He gives me Flight. He makes me Young. For both I am de...
RAY BRADBURY
Richard straightened with a sigh. "People are often more willing to believe lies than truth. Lies ca...
TERRY GOODKIND
Use your heart. Understand. Learn to see things
in the now, not as they were or will be, or as ...
E.J. PATTEN
Growing up, I never listened to English music. I was more into Motown, as well as early rock n' ...
ALEX WINSTON
I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE
Nobody's ever called me Sir Richard. Occasionally in America, I hear people saying Sir Richard a...
RICHARD BRANSON
There is no such thing as compromising between civilization and savagery. Civilization must always d...
TERRY GOODKIND
If you had to put all your money on one living poet whose work will be read in a hundred years, Rich...
CHRISTIAN WIMAN
It took me two years to give him all of my heart, and he threw it away in one night.
DANNIKA DARK
I wouldn't say it's unusual. In terms of moving from one institution to another, if Richard felt lik...
DAVID HAWKINS
'The Simpsons' is like Charlie Parker or Marlon Brando or Richard Pryor: Comedy couldn't...
ERIC ANDRE
I know he will be OK; I know he will be safe, ... In my heart I know God is on my side and He will w...
DALE WALKER
Take it from Richard, poor and lame,
what's begun in anger ends in shame.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
My favorite personal hockey moment was probably when Mike Bossy scored fifty goals in fifty games. H...
KEVIN CONNOLLY
Two souls in one, two hearts into one heart.
GUILLAUME DE SALLUSTE
His totals seem to go up one or two every game. He's totally a star now. Andruw is putting a lot of ...
BOBBY COX
At Flores in the Azores Sir Richard Grenville lay.
ALFRED LORD TENNYSON
Nothing alive can stand still, it goes forward or back. Life is interesting only as long as it is a ...
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
I was named after my two uncles. Roger Lee and Richard Allen. They simply changed the spelling to Le...
LEIGH-ALLYN BAKER
I was very lucky. I left college, and Richard Eyre was in charge of the National Theatre. I was offe...
HELEN MCCRORY
I took it to heart. I have been trying to get my team to follow. I think a lot of players look up to...
MANASE HOPOI
Conference-wise, we should be right back up there as one of the top two in the conference. Even afte...
VANCE ARNOLD
Motivate yourself this universe won't do it for you, others hatred towards one being successful stil...
JEFFREY LEE GIBSON JR.

More George Carlin

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN
Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think o...
GEORGE CARLIN
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people
GEORGE CARLIN
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the l...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe ...
GEORGE CARLIN
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front ro...
GEORGE CARLIN
Always do whatever's next
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
GEORGE CARLIN
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space...
GEORGE CARLIN
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
GEORGE CARLIN
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN
When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN
The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could...
GEORGE CARLIN
Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It...
GEORGE CARLIN
Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious becau...
GEORGE CARLIN
What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free wo...
GEORGE CARLIN
I find it discouraging—and a bit depressing—when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committi...
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when...
GEORGE CARLIN
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage,
GEORGE CARLIN
a blank slate -- and you get to play.
GEORGE CARLIN
Think off-center.
GEORGE CARLIN
If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN
They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN
If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN
we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to show...
GEORGE CARLIN
It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the adv...
GEORGE CARLIN
The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detache...
GEORGE CARLIN
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest...
GEORGE CARLIN
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'Yo...
GEORGE CARLIN
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, es...
GEORGE CARLIN
The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender...
GEORGE CARLIN
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN
... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN
The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN
But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN
In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN
One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN
If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN
put this whole thing behind me.
GEORGE CARLIN
I think, therefore I am. I think.
GEORGE CARLIN
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
GEORGE CARLIN
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN
Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighte...
GEORGE CARLIN
Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make n...
GEORGE CARLIN
Electricity is really just organized lightning
GEORGE CARLIN
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN
The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
GEORGE CARLIN
My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different plac...
GEORGE CARLIN
Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.
GEORGE CARLIN
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now...
GEORGE CARLIN
Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you c...
GEORGE CARLIN
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and...
GEORGE CARLIN
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN
He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN
'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN
Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage,
GEORGE CARLIN
[He appreciated its] compounded vulgarity, ... It had that Peter Finch in 'Network,' 'I'm mad as hel...
GEORGE CARLIN
I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror
GEORGE CARLIN
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN
You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!
GEORGE CARLIN
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that i...
GEORGE CARLIN
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to pi...
GEORGE CARLIN
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims; this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent vi...
GEORGE CARLIN
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
GEORGE CARLIN
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
GEORGE CARLIN
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball
GEORGE CARLIN
If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
GEORGE CARLIN
The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
GEORGE CARLIN
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN
People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a '...
GEORGE CARLIN
Here's an interesting form of murder we came up with: assassination. You know what's interesting abo...
GEORGE CARLIN
You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fo...
GEORGE CARLIN
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
GEORGE CARLIN
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN
Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN
Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN
Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN
Religion is just mind control
GEORGE CARLIN
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN
Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN
I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN
What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN
He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN
Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN
'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans
GEORGE CARLIN
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN