FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
Ambrose Bierce
Related A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker. AMBROSE BIERCE Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief. SWEDISH PROVERB I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ... KELLY JONES We saw a lot of happy tears shed by our volunteers. And we saw a lot of happy tears shed by our clie... LARRY ROCKWELL We will strengthen our security by building missile defense, restoring our military might, and stand... MITT ROMNEY Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary d... DENIS WAITLEY By expanding our patent portfolio, we believe we can further strengthen our proprietary position in ... CARL RANNO Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief. JOSEPH ADDISON The nature of our team is that we depend on our doubles a lot. We have a balanced team. For us to be... JEFF HOLMAN Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our ... MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO Marriage is the highest state of friendship. If happy, it lessens our cares by dividing them, at the... SAMUEL RICHARDSON Our only goal is to strengthen the opposition and to avoid the dilemma whereby we only have the choi... FRANCOIS HOLLANDE We will be able to decrease the number of cartons we process in our distribution centers, reduce our... FLOYD HALL And because we sell through intermediaries, an IPO helps us strengthen our relationship with the peo... CHRIS DONAHUE Everything passes by, and we are left with just our memories BEN OAK REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things ... AMBROSE BIERCE Our first impressions are generated by our experiences and our environment, which means that we can ... MALCOLM GLADWELL We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure. KEITH DAVIS We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure. KEITH DAVIS Our best option (to win) was in doubles. Traditionally, our strength is our depth. We can usually ha... JEFF CARROW Ethanol reduces our dependence on foreign sources of oil and is an important weapon in the War on Te... JOHN THUNE We didn't actually overspend our budget. The health Commission allocation simply fell short of our e... FRANK A. CLARK We didn't actually overspend our budget. The health Commission allocation simply fell short of our ... KEITH DAVIS Ethanol reduces our dependence on foreign sources of oil and is an important weapon in the War on Te... JOHN THUNE We live by our imagination, our admirations, and our sentiments. RALPH WALDO EMERSON We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers. CARL SAGAN Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clea... ALEX TAN By working together with our customers and members we can strengthen international networks, reducin... MICHAEL VALLONE Truth adds strength to our mind, courage to our heart, happiness to our soul and empowerment, motiva... ANUJ SOMANY We have a staggering debt level, and government must ensure our expenditure levels are kept within o... LOYOLA SULLIVAN We have been expropriated from our own language by television, from our songs by reality TV contests... THE INVISIBLE COMMITTEE There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.” ~ Ambrose ... J.J. MCAVOY We may thank God that we can feel pain and know sadness, for these are the human sentiments that con... EUGENE KENNEDY We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a "li... HENRY CLOUD We are honored to be recognized for our financial performance, highest standards of corporate govern... LAKSHMI NARAYANAN We must not permit our respect for the dead or our sympathy for the living to lead us into an act of... DAVY CROCKETT We cannot lower our guard or relax our vigilance, ... We must fully strengthen the building of our d... HUI LIANGYU Stop a minute, Ambrose!" interrupted Master Nathaniel. "I've got a sudden silly whim that we should ... HOPE MIRRLEES If we long for our planet to be important, there is something we can do about it. We make our world ... CARL SAGAN If not for the chief coming by, at least one of our stallions would be dead, JOHN FULLER We emerged to find an alien landscape. We bound our wounds, we buried our dead, and we commenced to ... GARY MICHIELS Some tourists think Amsterdam is a city of sin, but in truth it is a city of freedom. And in freedom... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 [Not smoking the cigarette is] a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, ... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 There will come a time, when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 You have a choice in this world, I believe, about how to tell sad stories. , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 I'm feeling grand. I'm on a rollercoaster only going up. AUGUSTUS WATERS THE FAULT IN OUR STARS This evolution will allow Intel to be better recognized for our contributions, establish a stronger ... ERIC KIM If the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 I was thinking about the universe wanting to be noticed, and how I had to notice it as best I could.... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 Thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt. , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinc... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 The urge to make art or contemplate philosophy does not go away when you are sick. Those urges just ... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW I cant talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know ... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 The weird thing about houses is that they almost always look like nothing is happening inside of the... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 I thought about how wonderfully strange it would be to live in a place where almost everything had b... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 I thought being an adult meant knowing what you believe, but that has not been my experience. , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 Im in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inev... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, a... , THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, 2012 This is both the happiest and the saddest day of my life, ... I have yet to be called by Bradford O'... HAROLD ROBERTS We are united by our common fears and divided by our individual freedom! RAMANA PEMMARAJU Veterans Day is an acknowledgment that those willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for our country ... ELIZABETH ESTY Our profits are growing. We may borrow a little for expenditure. AKHIL GUPTA We could lose our funeral home business if that happens, KATHLEEN RHODES Our No.1 doubles team is a team all our other doubles teams look up to. They are playing at a very h... BRENNAN BROWN What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is s... JOHN GREEN Cancer kids are essentially side effects of the relentless mutation that made the diversity of life ... JOHN GREEN No puedes elegir si van hacerte daño en este mundo, pero sí eliges quién te lo hace. JOHN GREEN Time's a slut, she screws with everyone. JOHN GREEN Wow,” I said. “Are you making this up?” “Hazel Grace, could I, with my meager intellect... JOHN GREEN Finally, I decided that the proper strategy was to stare back. Boys do not have a monopoly on the St... JOHN GREEN We were sitting there on the couch together, and he pushed himself up to go but then fell back down ... JOHN GREEN So it’s your death suit.” “Correct. Don’t you have a death outfit?” “Yeah,”... JOHN GREEN I spent your Wish on that doucheface,” I said into his chest. “Hazel Grace. No. I will gran... JOHN GREEN Cold,” he said, pressing a finger to my pale wrist. “Not cold so much as underoxygenated,... JOHN GREEN No matter how hard you kick, no matter how high you get, you can't go all the way round. JOHN GREEN you clench your teeth,you look up, you tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them,and... JOHN GREEN Seriously, don't even get me started on my hot bod. You don't want to see me naked, Dave. seeing me ... JOHN GREEN Writing does not resurrect. It buries.. JOHN GREEN We have been investing in building a mobile-first selling capability by establishing the Consumer Ch... B. KEVIN TURNER Our interests are indeed common European interests, and the only way to serve them is by common mean... FEDERICA MOGHERINI Often we wonder in our grief what is gained by our belief? Although night, and morning we pray, stil... EDGAR A. GUEST The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. CLARENCE DARROW Pero diré esto: Cuando los científicos del futuro aparezcan en mi casa con ojos robot y me digan q... JOHN GREEN «Hazel Grace,” he said, my name new and better in his voice. “It has been a real pleasure to ma... JOHN GREEN If he is anything other than a total gentleman, I’m going to gouge his eyes out.” “So you... JOHN GREEN People always get used to beauty, though.” “I haven’t gotten used to you just yet,” he ... JOHN GREEN Augustus: “You probably need some rest.” Me: “I’m okay.” Augustus: “Okay.” (... JOHN GREEN Pero diré esto: Cuando los científicos del futuro aparezcan en mi casa con ojos robot y me digan q... JOHN GREEN The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. CLARENCE DARROW The hyping of disabled athletes into superhuman status by Channel 4 only deepens our wounds, inflict... PENNY PEPPER Our goals are to achieve victory for our Democratic candidates and we do that by banding together. IRENE STEIN The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. CLARENCE DARROW So how’s it going?” “Okay. Glad to be home, I guess. Gus told me you were in the ICU?”<... JOHN GREEN No puedes escoger si serás lastimado en este mundo, pero si puedes decidir quién te lastima JOHN GREEN That's the think about pain. It demands to be felt. JOHN GREEN You’re arguing that the fragile, rare thing is beautiful simply because it is fragile and rare. Bu... JOHN GREEN Still perfect,” he said. “Read to me.” “This isn’t really a poem to read aloud when y... JOHN GREEN como toda pregunta sobre el universo, esta vía de investigación nos obliga inevitablemente a pregu... J.K. ROWLING
More Ambrose Bierce
WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous oc... AMBROSE BIERCE Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. AMBROSE BIERCE RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue. AMBROSE BIERCE ... the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his coun... AMBROSE BIERCE Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. AMBROSE BIERCE Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfort... AMBROSE BIERCE The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge. AMBROSE BIERCE Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. AMBROSE BIERCE Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. AMBROSE BIERCE The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up. AMBROSE BIERCE Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. AMBROSE BIERCE Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their ... AMBROSE BIERCE Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. AMBROSE BIERCE Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking th... AMBROSE BIERCE The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. AMBROSE BIERCE Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. AMBROSE BIERCE Acquaintance: a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate ... AMBROSE BIERCE Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly un... AMBROSE BIERCE To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. AMBROSE BIERCE A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man, who has no gills. AMBROSE BIERCE Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. AMBROSE BIERCE Politeness -- The most acceptable hypocrisy. AMBROSE BIERCE Laughter -- An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarti... AMBROSE BIERCE Alien. An American sovereign in his probationary state. AMBROSE BIERCE An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly k... AMBROSE BIERCE Historian. A broad -- gauge gossip. AMBROSE BIERCE Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Mis... AMBROSE BIERCE A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker. AMBROSE BIERCE An egotist is a person interested in himself than in me! AMBROSE BIERCE Abscond. To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. AMBROSE BIERCE Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their deso... AMBROSE BIERCE A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. AMBROSE BIERCE Alliance. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserte... AMBROSE BIERCE A coward is one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. AMBROSE BIERCE Compromise. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction o... AMBROSE BIERCE A bride is a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply in... AMBROSE BIERCE Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo AMBROSE BIERCE Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscie... AMBROSE BIERCE One who is in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. AMBROSE BIERCE ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A m... AMBROSE BIERCE Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. AMBROSE BIERCE Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. AMBROSE BIERCE Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. AMBROSE BIERCE Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. AMBROSE BIERCE Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. AMBROSE BIERCE BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginar... AMBROSE BIERCE Faith, noun. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things ... AMBROSE BIERCE Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understa... AMBROSE BIERCE Happiness, noun. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. AMBROSE BIERCE History, n. An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly... AMBROSE BIERCE Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. AMBROSE BIERCE Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. AMBROSE BIERCE Income is the natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability. AMBROSE BIERCE Optimism, n. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. AMBROSE BIERCE Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. AMBROSE BIERCE INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction. AMBROSE BIERCE Litigant: a person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bone. AMBROSE BIERCE ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth b... AMBROSE BIERCE TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeab... AMBROSE BIERCE Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreea... AMBROSE BIERCE I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it ... AMBROSE BIERCE PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. AMBROSE BIERCE ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. Having received an ultima... AMBROSE BIERCE DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. AMBROSE BIERCE PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and im... AMBROSE BIERCE Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling AMBROSE BIERCE Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. AMBROSE BIERCE CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. AMBROSE BIERCE PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it. AMBROSE BIERCE BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable fo... AMBROSE BIERCE A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothi... AMBROSE BIERCE PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by ... AMBROSE BIERCE BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the P... AMBROSE BIERCE CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, _Cogit... AMBROSE BIERCE MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. M is for Moses,... AMBROSE BIERCE TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. AMBROSE BIERCE TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word... AMBROSE BIERCE MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also ... AMBROSE BIERCE FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, freque... AMBROSE BIERCE Vote: The instrument and symbol of a free man's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his c... AMBROSE BIERCE LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. AMBROSE BIERCE In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to t... AMBROSE BIERCE Advice is the smallest current coin. AMBROSE BIERCE SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one's own by superior insi... AMBROSE BIERCE ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding. AMBROSE BIERCE Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confesse... AMBROSE BIERCE WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does no... AMBROSE BIERCE INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but... AMBROSE BIERCE LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a word in the middle of a l... AMBROSE BIERCE PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction --prototype of the modern newspa... AMBROSE BIERCE APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. AMBROSE BIERCE WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A po... AMBROSE BIERCE MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhors... AMBROSE BIERCE ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice. AMBROSE BIERCE ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude . . . AMBROSE BIERCE ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. AMBROSE BIERCE TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word... AMBROSE BIERCE DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were... AMBROSE BIERCE ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. AMBROSE BIERCE ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Was... AMBROSE BIERCE PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable ac... AMBROSE BIERCE APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question. AMBROSE BIERCE CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved a... AMBROSE BIERCE ADOLESCENCE The stage between puberty and adultery. AMBROSE BIERCE CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. AMBROSE BIERCE ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about ... AMBROSE BIERCE REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape pain... AMBROSE BIERCE BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the P... AMBROSE BIERCE HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. AMBROSE BIERCE FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite ... AMBROSE BIERCE MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.M is for Moses, Who slew th... AMBROSE BIERCE WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ'... AMBROSE BIERCE FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth an... AMBROSE BIERCE CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on. AMBROSE BIERCE PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. AMBROSE BIERCE BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a ba... AMBROSE BIERCE Strike while your employer has a big contract. AMBROSE BIERCE EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is pl... AMBROSE BIERCE COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasit... AMBROSE BIERCE ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.So wide his erudition's mighty span, He ... AMBROSE BIERCE PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and im... AMBROSE BIERCE POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, t... AMBROSE BIERCE ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performan... AMBROSE BIERCE FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed... AMBROSE BIERCE IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. AMBROSE BIERCE DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.A leaf was ri... AMBROSE BIERCE DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evol... AMBROSE BIERCE CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too int... AMBROSE BIERCE Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. AMBROSE BIERCE PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. ... AMBROSE BIERCE ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.If I were a jolly archbish... AMBROSE BIERCE SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace... AMBROSE BIERCE BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters --the most difficult kind of English verse to write acce... AMBROSE BIERCE Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. AMBROSE BIERCE DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more object... AMBROSE BIERCE NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and... AMBROSE BIERCE USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Convention... AMBROSE BIERCE SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. AMBROSE BIERCE RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate t... AMBROSE BIERCE HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. AMBROSE BIERCE There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. AMBROSE BIERCE MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers... AMBROSE BIERCE Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to t... AMBROSE BIERCE OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief.... AMBROSE BIERCE OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief. AMBROSE BIERCE Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one ... AMBROSE BIERCE Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, c... AMBROSE BIERCE In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, patriotism is defined as the last refuge of a scoundrel. With a... AMBROSE BIERCE LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. AMBROSE BIERCE PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban d... AMBROSE BIERCE ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for... AMBROSE BIERCE EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dea... AMBROSE BIERCE SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a n... AMBROSE BIERCE ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A... AMBROSE BIERCE PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovide... AMBROSE BIERCE BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he ... AMBROSE BIERCE EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state. AMBROSE BIERCE ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling c... AMBROSE BIERCE Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. AMBROSE BIERCE LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. T... AMBROSE BIERCE WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum."... AMBROSE BIERCE QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own... AMBROSE BIERCE Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property su... AMBROSE BIERCE ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost. AMBROSE BIERCE PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. AMBROSE BIERCE Pitted against hard drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scyt... AMBROSE BIERCE Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. AMBROSE BIERCE Opportunity is a favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. AMBROSE BIERCE UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. AMBROSE BIERCE From the vast, invisible ocean of moonlight overhead fell, here and here, a slender, broken stream t... AMBROSE BIERCE He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. AMBROSE BIERCE You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps. AMBROSE BIERCE Edible. Good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pi... AMBROSE BIERCE Consult. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on. AMBROSE BIERCE They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid. AMBROSE BIERCE Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity. AMBROSE BIERCE Deliberation. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. AMBROSE BIERCE PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. AMBROSE BIERCE Admiration; is our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. AMBROSE BIERCE Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. AMBROSE BIERCE An optimist is a proponent of the doctrine that black is white. AMBROSE BIERCE Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. AMBROSE BIERCE Wit. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. AMBROSE BIERCE To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense. AMBROSE BIERCE The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. AMBROSE BIERCE Consul. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is give... AMBROSE BIERCE Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscien... AMBROSE BIERCE The covers of this book are too far apart. AMBROSE BIERCE The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors. AMBROSE BIERCE To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of one's voice. AMBROSE BIERCE Censor, n. An officer of certain governments, employed to supress the works of genius. Among the Rom... AMBROSE BIERCE Genealogy. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his o... AMBROSE BIERCE Woman absent is woman dead. AMBROSE BIERCE DIPLOMACY, n. Lying in state, or the patriotic art of lying for one's country. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds. Misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the So... AMBROSE BIERCE Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE