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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.


George Carlin

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The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.
REBECCA WEST
Women are men without money.
PAUL SAMUELSON
In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.
FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT
When women are angry at men, they call them heartless. When men are angry at women, they call them c...
SUSAN CHEEVER
Ageing is something that both men and women are utterly terrified about.
CATE BLANCHETT
To prove that all men are equal, rich or poor,nature has made it compulsory for all to breath the sa...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN)
For all men are equal,in order to show man that you are equal,then always do things lesser than your...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN)
You've got to remember that men are men and women are women. And although a lot of similarities,...
HELEN FISHER
It will all go on as long as women are stupid enough to go on bringing men into the world. . .
DOROTHY MILLER RICHARDSON
We have equality of men and women in western society, whereas in Islamic culture, women are inferior...
PIM FORTUYN
I don't know if it's animalistic or what, but men become like peacocks with their feathers u...
BRADLEY COOPER
Men and women are like right and left hands; it doesn't make sense not to use both.
JEANNETTE RANKIN
I've always said, 'Underwater or on top, men and women are compatible.'
SYLVIA EARLE
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal.
ELIZABETH CADY STANTON
On Earth, men and women are taking the same risks. Why shouldn't we be taking the same risks in ...
VALENTINA TERESHKOVA
Men and women are not born inconstant: they are made so by their early amorous experiences.
ANDRE MAUROIS
Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.
YAKOV SMIRNOFF
Women are complicated. We all know that.
CANDICE SWANEPOEL
Men are allowed to write songs about people and women are allowed to write songs about women.
KRISTIN HERSH
All men are fools, and all men are knights where women are concerned.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
If you go to any boardroom... the women are, by far, outnumbered by the men.
ARUNDHATI BHATTACHARYA
Women are to be championed and revered, not objectified.
PAUL RYAN
Women are sacred.
VIN DIESEL
Women are not all single-issue voters.
CARLY FIORINA
Women are hilarious.
ERIK GRIFFIN
The reason there are more women than men is simply because there are more illiterate women than men....
AMAL CHARARA
Even the wisest men make fools of themselves about women, and even the most foolish women are wise a...
THEODORE REIK
Why are women... so much more interesting to men than men are to women?
VIRGINIA WOOLF
Even the wisest men make fools of themselves about women, and even the most foolish women are wise a...
THEODOR REIK
Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?
VIRGINIA WOOLF
Both men and women are fallible. The difference is, women know it.
ELEANOR BRON
Both men and women are fallible. The difference is, women know it.
ELEANOR BRON
All women are inferior to men.
GARRY KASPAROV
Men tend to be hierarchical, but women are driven to make lateral connections so they can cooperate.
HELEN FISHER
Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.
MARGARET ATWOOD
There are certain things women are better at than men.
ADAM CAROLLA
Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do.
ELLEN GLASGOW
Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.
ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER
I think women are really self-analytical in a way that men aren't.
ZOE LISTER-JONES
Until women are as ambitious as men, they're not gong to achieve as much as men.
SHERYL SANDBERG
What should all men know about women? That we are always right and you should just agree.
LARA STONE
It's difficult for me to trust a woman. Men are attracted to beautiful women. Women are attracte...
CURTIS JACKSON
Blessed are the elderly men and women.
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA
Women are designed to help men and men are designed to love and honor them
SOTONYE ANGA
The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people and no one has the right to be stupid.
TERRY PRATCHETT
Women are hard on themselves.
EMILY VANCAMP
If men knew all that women think, they would be twenty times more audacious
ALPHONSE KARR
How different the reasoning is that men adopt when they are discussing the cases of men and those of...
EMMELINE PANKHURST
Men make the moral code and they expect women to accept it
EMMELINE PANKHURST
I identify with women more than men. I guess I have a strong feminine side.
LENNY KRAVITZ
Women prefer men who have something tender about them -- especially the legal kind.
KAY INGRAM
Men become much more attractive when they start looking older. But it doesn't do much for women, tho...
BETTE DAVIS
Men are allowed to get older and women are not.
SHIRLEY KNIGHT
As long as she doesn't turn too smart for men
For the stupid ones, she will, Madame. But who wa...
NINA GEORGE
Women are always beautiful.
VILLE VALO
Women are truly, truly awesome.
EMILY WEISS
Women are cursed and men are the proof.
ROSEANNE
Men are jerks. Women are psychotic.
KURT VONNEGUT JR.
Men are jerks. Women are psychotic.
KURT VONNEGUT JR.
American men are like women.
BIKRAM CHOUDHURY
Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.
NELSON DEMILLE
Saying this tongue-in-cheek but as far as men are concerned women are toys and as far as women are c...
KEN O. ELDIB
Saying this tongue-in-cheek but as far as men are concerned women are toys and as far as women are c...
KEN O. ELDIB
Politics is there the way men and women are there, the way the Atlantic Ocean is there. Sometimes I&...
KENNETH KOCH
If all men are born free, why is it that all women are born slaves?
MARY ASTELL
If all men are born free, how is it that all women are born slaves?
MARY ASTELL
In our civilization, men are afraid that they will not be men enough and women are afraid that they ...
THEODOR REIK
There is no difference between men and women and I tried to prove that even in logic men and women a...
JANA TYLOVA
Men are virtuous because women are; women are virtuous from necessity
EDGAR WATSON HOWE
When a man loses superiority, he loses potency. That's what all this talk about castrating women is ...
MARILYN FRENCH
The real thing that keeps men and women apart, is fear. Women blame men and men blame women, but the...
C. JOYBELL C.
Sarah learnt a lot from Alex. Like the way men could say one thing, then another, then act in a way ...
EMILY MAGUIRE
Basically, men are catching up to women.
CYNTHIA OGDEN
All beautiful women are murderers. You've probably heard it said before.
MIKE LESTER
Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a b...
LARRY MILLER
You know what? I'm really attracted to British women, there's something innately proper about them. ...
JOSH HARTNETT
You know what? I'm really attracted to British women, there's something innately proper about them. ...
JOSH HARTNETT
Balls are to men what purses are to women.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Men and women are most alike at their most mature and soulful levels. Men and women are most differe...
RICHARD ROHR
Nature says women are human beings, men have made religions to deny it. Nature says women are human ...
TASLIMA NASRIN
It makes the statement that women are equal to men.
MARTHA BURK
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about...
KATHARINE HEPBURN
There are two categories of women. Those who are women and those who are menÂ’s wives.
CHARLOTTE WHITTON
The fact that men and women are nominated this year in films that women have directed is good for wo...
CATHERINE WYLER
The three sexes are men, women, and professors.
J. E. SPINGARN
The fact that men and women are nominated this year in films that women have directed is good for wo...
CATHERINE HARDWICKE
In God, the characteristics of men and women that we admire in men and women are combined. That'...
ANDREW GREELEY
Yes, guns are to men what jewelry is to women!
STEVE KING
Men were stupid to forget what good sleuths women could be.
EDAN LEPUCKI
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal.
ELIZABETH CADY STANTON
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible
MARGARET MEAD
I love men, not because they are men, but because they are not women
CHRISTINA OF SWEDEN
Where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking and all the children are above-average.
GARRISON KEILLOR
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
MARGARET MEAD
Women want mediocre men, and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
MARGARET MEAD
Competing in show jumping is a school of life. And it's one of the few Olympic sports where men ...
CHARLOTTE CASIRAGHI
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal
ELIZABETH CADY STANTON
Where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking and all the children are above-average.
GARRISON KEILLOR
There are older men with younger women but you don't see a lot of older women with younger men. ...
TORI AMOS
I love men, not because they are men, but because they are not women
CHRISTINA OF SWEDEN

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It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
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I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
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Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
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Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think o...
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people
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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the l...
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe ...
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front ro...
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Always do whatever's next
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
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I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space...
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
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Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
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You get to play with people's little danger zones.
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When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
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The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
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It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
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THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
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I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could...
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Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It...
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Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious becau...
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What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free wo...
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I find it discouraging—and a bit depressing—when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the ...
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I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committi...
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If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when...
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I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
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“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
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Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage,
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a blank slate -- and you get to play.
GEORGE CARLIN
Think off-center.
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If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
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They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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I'm the creative type,
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If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
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we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
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I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to show...
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It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the adv...
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The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detache...
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Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest...
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'Yo...
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I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, es...
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The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender...
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
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The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
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... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
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He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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The status quo sucks.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN
But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
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When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
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In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
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If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
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One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
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If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
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put this whole thing behind me.
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I think, therefore I am. I think.
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
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Jesus was a cross dresser
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
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I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
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I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
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And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighte...
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Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make n...
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Electricity is really just organized lightning
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
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The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
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My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different plac...
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Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now...
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Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you c...
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The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the wh...
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I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and...
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist
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I'm the creative type,
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He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
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'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
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A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
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Think about it,
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage,
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[He appreciated its] compounded vulgarity, ... It had that Peter Finch in 'Network,' 'I'm mad as hel...
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I believe you can joke about anything.
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Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
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You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands
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I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
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I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that i...
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You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to pi...
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims; this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent vi...
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization
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When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball
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If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still le...
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People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a '...
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Here's an interesting form of murder we came up with: assassination. You know what's interesting abo...
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You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fo...
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Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
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Meow” means “woof” in cat.
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
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I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
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Always do whatever's next.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
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Religion is just mind control
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
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Everything beeps now
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I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
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What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN
He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN
Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN
'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans
GEORGE CARLIN