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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.


George Carlin

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And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed.
KEVIN SMITH
Nobody can be perfect unless he admits his faults, but if he has faults how can he be perfect?
DR. LAURENCE J. PETER
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny ...
DENIS LEARY
God makes everything in perfect time, and he doesn't give you anything you can't handle.
RAFAEL DOS ANJOS
George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular com...
DREW CAREY
I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE
I am always disappointed with someone who loves me - how perfect can he be if he can't see through m...
CARRIE FISHER
The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give ...
GEORGE CARLIN
He makes his own decisions on everything. And he is the most strong-willed person I have ever known.
JIM THOMAS
I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI
He who dies before he dies does not die when he dies.
JON KABAT-ZINN
It's not perfect. But George Mitchell is credible. He should do a good job.
FAY VINCENT
It's astonishing how important a man becomes when he dies.
YIDDISH PROVERB
This will be conducive to the development of Sino-US relations and China's relationships with the re...
HE YAFEI
They are sorry there is no more Soviet Union and they don't know how to act.
HE YAFEI
These findings provide strong support for the recommendations encouraging the public to consume more...
FENG HE
We are willing to import more U.S. goods.
HE YAFEI
The government really wants to slow down investment, but it can't control local governments who have...
HE FAN
George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, mo...
DENIS LEARY
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT
He dies, and makes no sign. -King Henry VI. Part II. Act iii. Sc. 3.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Since raised blood pressure is the major cause of stroke, the blood pressure lowering effect of pota...
FENG HE
I like to find old things
and I picked up that arrowhead
in tears, that broken point
...
LI HE
The average fruit and vegetable intake in most developed countries is about three servings per day, ...
FENG HE
This is a critical moment. There is a lot of opposition to continuing the reforms as they are today.
HE WEIFANG
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches...
ROGER J. CORLESS
Dwight was everything the Bear ever said he would be.
DON SHULA
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freew...
BOB MOOREHEAD
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite direct...
GEORGE CARLIN
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
GERMAINE DE STAëL
As a young child, I suffered from poor health. My parents encouraged me to swim, which really improv...
SUI HE
They are the Chinese heroes. I am happy for their performance and the result is not the most importa...
HE ZHENLIANG
Even when he's making dumplings with peasants, he speaks memorized words and sounds like a People's ...
HE WEIFANG
The situation exists in almost every well-known Chinese university.
HE WEIFANG
Part of our mission is to find out what kind of assistance is required.
HE CHANGCHUI
The best way to resolve Sino-US trade imbalance is to expand bilateral trade cooperation. Restrictin...
HE YAFEI
I unequivocally state the wish that the Communist Party should become two parties.
HE WEIFANG
The new managed floating currency regime is just an interim system. There is a chance of a further w...
HE FAN
Eventually, we found that the situation there was more serious than what we imagined.
HE CHANGCHUI
Relaxing, experiencing nature and laughing are what rejuvenate me and make me feel happy. I believe ...
SUI HE
I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT
I’ve often wondered, since I was the moron that Billy Hicks and George Carlin were talking about, ...
BOBBY W. MILLER
How to be perfect;Think nothing,say nothing & do nothing.
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN)
How to be perfect;Think nothing,say nothing & do nothing.
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN)
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do......
GEORGE CARLIN
As human beings, none of us are perfect and none of us can do everything by ourselves.But how one ma...
DR ANIL KUMAR SINHA
I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES
As human beings, none of us are perfect and none of us can do everything by ourselves.But how one ma...
DR ANIL KUMAR SINHA
It should be longer, he should be in prison until he dies.
IAN HUNTLEY
George is as motivated as he has ever been. He's really excited about this season.
LAURIE FISHER
He is called the Most Perfect of the Perfect. He sits upon His Perfect Throne. He looks so Beautiful...
SRI GURU GRANTH SAHIB
He who knows how to be poor knows everything.
JULES MICHELET
Everything is true," he said. "Everything anybody has ever thought.
PHILIP K. DICK
I was just so grossed out. George and Meredith have a brother-sister relationship. He knows how she ...
KARYN MCQUEEN
George Clooney is a super-human, he's just such an amazing human being, he taught me how to be a...
SHAILENE WOODLEY
Egotism is such a terrible disease, he dies, to be reincarnated he continues coming and going.
GURU GOBIND SINGH
He who dies with the most toys...dies a child.
JAMES ROZOFF
When he entered the Oval Office - by fate, not by design - Citizen Ford knew that he was not perfect...
TOM BROKAW
Competition is used for discrimination. Harmony makes everything perfect.
MICHAEL BASSEY JOHNSON
I’ve often wondered, since I was the moron that Billy Hicks and George Carlin were talking about, ...
BOBBY W. MILLER
He did tell me that 'In Cold Blood' scraped him down to the marrow of his bones. That's how he phras...
GERALD CLARKE
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
GEORGE CARLIN
George Bush moved into the lead at that convention and never lost it. How did he do it? He reminded ...
BILL SCHNEIDER
I love this guy; he's going to be absolutely great. He can do everything. He can catch. He can block...
GARY HUGHES
An almost perfect relationship with his father was the earthly root of all his wisdom. From his own ...
C.S. LEWIS
He who stands, lives, he who sleeps, dies
MAORI PROVERB
The intellectual is constantly betrayed by his vanity. Godlike he blandly assumes that he can expres...
ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH
One can ever assume to be what he is not, and to conceal what he is.
UNKNOWN
Who will not mercie unto others show, How can he mercie ever hope to have?
EDMUND SPENSER
You can confine him to a miserable existence until he dies.
GERALD ZERKIN
One thing I can say about George... he may not be able to keep a job, but he's not boring.
BARBARA BUSH
One thing I can say about George... he may not be able to keep a job, but he's not boring.
BARBARA BUSH
The intellectual is constantly betrayed by his vanity. Godlike he blandly assumes that he can expre...
ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH
The intellectual is constantly betrayed by his vanity. Godlike he blandly assumes that he can expres...
ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH
He wished he could've explained some of this. How he had been braver than he ever thought possible, ...
TIM O'BRIEN
You look at Richard Pryor and Robert Klein and George Carlin and Richard Lewis - those guys were so ...
ARI GRAYNOR
He who is silent and bows his head dies every time he does so. He who speaks aloud and walks with hi...
GIOVANNI FALCONE
This is the worst President ever. He George W. Bush is the worst President in all of American histor...
HELEN THOMAS
You're Nobody but with God, He makes you Somebody.
тαмιℓιαηρσηηυ
Man can acquire accomplishments or he can become an animal, whichever he wants. God makes the animal...
G. C. (GEORG CHRISTOPH) LICHTENBERG
He brought his intensity and he brought that he's a perfectionist. Everything has got to be perfect....
STANLEY ASUMNU
He that dies pays all debts.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
He that lives most dies most.
GEORGE HERBERT
The offense is a perfect fit for him, because it allows him to be an athlete. He can run and he can ...
LANDON KAFENTZIS
George Fawcett told Dad to look him up if he ever wanted to be in the movies. Of course, Dad still h...
CYNTHIA BROWN HALE
Yet man will never be perfect until he learns to create and destroy; he does know how to destroy, an...
ALEXANDRE DUMAS
He that dies pays all his debts.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can mak...
BOB MARLEY
He that lives upon Hope, dies fasting
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
No hero is immortal till he dies
W. H. AUDEN
A thief stops stealing when he dies
SOTONYE ANGA
He that lives upon Hope, dies fasting
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
He whom the gods love dies young.
MENANDER
It was a perfect night for a train. The occasional whistle told Louis of all the farewells he had ev...
CHARLES TENNYSON TURNER
He that dies pays all debts
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
He deals with it well, and it makes things run that much more smoothly. He's also very forthright. H...
STEVE ATKINS
He had taken George, my beloved George, from me. And he had taken my other self: Anne.
PHILIPPA GREGORY
He was both everything I could ever want…
And nothing I could ever have…
RANATA SUZUKI
What makes a man is the choices he makes, when he decides to start something and how he controls its...
SEAN INTIOMALE

More George Carlin

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN
Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think o...
GEORGE CARLIN
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people
GEORGE CARLIN
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the l...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe ...
GEORGE CARLIN
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front ro...
GEORGE CARLIN
Always do whatever's next
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
GEORGE CARLIN
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space...
GEORGE CARLIN
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
GEORGE CARLIN
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN
When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN
The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could...
GEORGE CARLIN
Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It...
GEORGE CARLIN
Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious becau...
GEORGE CARLIN
What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free wo...
GEORGE CARLIN
I find it discouraging—and a bit depressing—when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committi...
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when...
GEORGE CARLIN
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage,
GEORGE CARLIN
a blank slate -- and you get to play.
GEORGE CARLIN
Think off-center.
GEORGE CARLIN
If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN
They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN
If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
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we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to show...
GEORGE CARLIN
It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the adv...
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The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detache...
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Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest...
GEORGE CARLIN
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'Yo...
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I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, es...
GEORGE CARLIN
The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN
... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN
The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN
But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN
In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN
One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN
If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN
put this whole thing behind me.
GEORGE CARLIN
I think, therefore I am. I think.
GEORGE CARLIN
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
GEORGE CARLIN
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN
Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighte...
GEORGE CARLIN
Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make n...
GEORGE CARLIN
Electricity is really just organized lightning
GEORGE CARLIN
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN
The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
GEORGE CARLIN
My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different plac...
GEORGE CARLIN
Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.
GEORGE CARLIN
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now...
GEORGE CARLIN
Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you c...
GEORGE CARLIN
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and...
GEORGE CARLIN
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist
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I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN
He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN
'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN
Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage,
GEORGE CARLIN
[He appreciated its] compounded vulgarity, ... It had that Peter Finch in 'Network,' 'I'm mad as hel...
GEORGE CARLIN
I believe you can joke about anything.
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Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN
You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands
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I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that i...
GEORGE CARLIN
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to pi...
GEORGE CARLIN
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims; this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent vi...
GEORGE CARLIN
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
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When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
GEORGE CARLIN
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball
GEORGE CARLIN
If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
GEORGE CARLIN
The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still le...
GEORGE CARLIN
People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a '...
GEORGE CARLIN
Here's an interesting form of murder we came up with: assassination. You know what's interesting abo...
GEORGE CARLIN
You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fo...
GEORGE CARLIN
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN
Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN
Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN
Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN
Religion is just mind control
GEORGE CARLIN
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN
Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN
I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN
What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN
He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN
Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN
'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans
GEORGE CARLIN
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN