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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.


Dave Barry

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I have often been gratefully aware of the heroic efforts of my opponent not to laugh at me.
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'Tis our true policy to steer clear of permanent alliances with any portion of the foreign world.
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If a fangirl tells you she likes you, you better be happy. Her standards are very high.
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The most important thing to me is respect and to know that they can look up to me. If I don't lead v...
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People know they can find any kind of worker here.
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I seen it as him being my friend, showing respect for me so I can know what's going on.
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I have no other aspirations. I firmly believe in this position as long as people want me to do this ...
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One could drive a prairie schooner through any part of his argument and never scrape against a fact.
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As far as the charge against me is concerned I have a clear conscience.
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The people elected Preval. I respect their will. I recognize they did not vote for me.
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When it comes to me, I know what I can do and can't do.
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What I do know is that I don't know of any wrongdoing on behalf of the first lady or the president, ...
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You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.
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DAVE BARRY
1996 also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left b...
DAVE BARRY
All good things must come to an end, but all bad things can continue forever.
DAVE BARRY
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with som...
DAVE BARRY
Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, yo...
DAVE BARRY
But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unf...
DAVE BARRY
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regard...
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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling y...
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We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how
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Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses t...
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Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no n...
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Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions...
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be att...
DAVE BARRY
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
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Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...
DAVE BARRY
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
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You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
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I'd take a nerf bullet for you.
DAVE BARRY
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the ...
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Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
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The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they...
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A thunderstorm is God's way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer
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The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withst...
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
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We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious pe...
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New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace ...
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with th...
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We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this i...
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
DAVE BARRY
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answ...
DAVE BARRY
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacInto...
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed...
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Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, D...
DAVE BARRY
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Int...
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
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