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I know you can't see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot you'll understand it this once, because even now I want you to see it. I don't love you anymore, of course I don't, but there's still something I can show you. You know I want to be a director, but you never truly see the movies in my head and that, Ed, is why we broke up.


Daniel Handler

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CHELSEA HANDLER
I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
CHELSEA HANDLER
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends lik...
CHELSEA HANDLER
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jump...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I hated Big. I hated everything about him and this story line. First of all, it didn’t make any se...
CHELSEA HANDLER
In true Ted form, he was not in on the joke, which is basically the foundation of our relationship. ...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I love your personality," I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when ...
CHELSEA HANDLER
We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'Th...
CHELSEA HANDLER
It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us...
CHELSEA HANDLER
When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hostin...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
CHELSEA HANDLER
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink ag...
CHELSEA HANDLER
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
CHELSEA HANDLER
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing ...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
CHELSEA HANDLER
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around b...
CHELSEA HANDLER
He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her...
CHELSEA HANDLER
Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he ...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
CHELSEA HANDLER
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his...
CHELSEA HANDLER
Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? I...
CHELSEA HANDLER
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbli...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money ...
CHELSEA HANDLER
There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose....
CHELSEA HANDLER
Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger...
CHELSEA HANDLER
Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the firs...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...
CHELSEA HANDLER
Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you ...
CHELSEA HANDLER
Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Fo...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian...
CHELSEA HANDLER
I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidenc...
CHELSEA HANDLER
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
CHELSEA HANDLER
There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves ...
CHELSEA HANDLER
If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
CHELSEA HANDLER
The key of the fields (street). [Fr., La clef des champs.]
SAMUEL DANIEL
Big don't mean ugly, and thin sho don't mean pretty. If a person wants to be pretty, they gotta walk...
DANIEL BLACK
When people talk of the economy being strong, they don't seem to feel that they, too, are better...
DANIEL KAHNEMAN
By their very nature, heuristic shortcuts will produce biases, and that is true for both humans and ...
DANIEL KAHNEMAN
Hindsight bias makes surprises vanish.
DANIEL KAHNEMAN
Courage is willingness to take the risk once you know the odds. Optimistic overconfidence means you ...
DANIEL KAHNEMAN
In a rising market, enough of your bad ideas will pay off so that you'll never learn that you sh...
DANIEL KAHNEMAN
We need to take a leaf out of nature's book. Any species that clones itself will eventually be a...
DANIEL SUAREZ
May the same Almighty Goodness banish the accursed monster, war, from all lands, with her hated asso...
DANIEL BOONE
The planning fallacy is that you make a plan, which is usually a best-case scenario. Then you assume...
DANIEL KAHNEMAN
If people are failing, they look inept. If people are succeeding, they look strong and good and comp...
DANIEL KAHNEMAN
I see myself doing Harry Potter films as long as I'm enjoying it and as long as they are going t...
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
The subject matter is very tricky. It's about the Munich massacre and what Mossad did afterwards...
DANIEL CRAIG
It's mainly about working hard and proving to people you're serious about it, and stretching...
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Inconsistencies of opinion, arising from changes of circumstances, are often justifiable.
DANIEL WEBSTER
Where you have no religion, you are sure to have no government, for as religion disappears, anarchy ...
DANIEL MORGAN
I do feel fortunate to have some knowledge of the great Latin American writers, including some that ...
DANIEL ALARCON
Now that mobile phones and the internet have altered the epistemic selective landscape in a revoluti...
DANIEL DENNETT
Psychology, unlike chemistry, unlike algebra, unlike literature, is an owner's manual for your o...
DANIEL GOLDSTEIN
The one thing that disturbs me about Alec is that people don't realize that he's really funn...
DANIEL BALDWIN
Curiosity is natural to the soul of man and interesting objects have a powerful influence on our aff...
DANIEL BOONE