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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.


Mitch Hedberg

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MITCH HEDBERG
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG
My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG
Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG
I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG
A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG
I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG
I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG
My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG
the best plan is changeable
MITCH
She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG
No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG
They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG
Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG
Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG
On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG
When you look into your mother’s eyes, you know that is the purest love you can find on this earth...
MITCH ALBOM
As a kid, I used to be equal parts drawn to and horrified of the circus. They would have these beaut...
MITCH GLAZER
Things happen in American politics in the political center. If the President will meet us in the cen...
MITCH MCCONNELL
Among the weeds choking out growth and good government are the hundreds of boards, commissions, and ...
MITCH DANIELS
Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring t...
MITCH ALBOM
Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM
when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people do, ...
MITCH ALBOM
Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, wit...
MITCH RATCLIFFE
I love you every day. And now I will miss you every day.
MITCH ALBOM
I don't know what it is about food your mother makes for you, especially when it's something that an...
MITCH ALBOM
The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.
MITCH ALBOM
My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM
The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL