Laughter -- An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
Ambrose Bierce
Related There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.” ~ Ambrose ... J.J. MCAVOY When a lot of voices, make up a noise, the man who is silent represents a voice. APURVA GAGLANI I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ... KELLY JONES No formal course in fiction-writing can equal a close and observant perusal of the stories of Edgar ... H. P. LOVECRAFT To stand on the brink of what is coming, feeling eager, optimistic anticipation—with no feeli... ASK AND IT IS GIVEN It is a lie. ARTHUR MILLER Empathy is the new measurement of everything. It doesn't matter what religion you have, what God you... C. JOYBELL C. All history . . . is an inarticulate Bible. THOMAS CARLYLE Music is an equation of noises and I fucking damn like noises... I die for one more noise. DEYTH BANGER She was scarcely a year older than I was, dark-haired, slender, with a face that would break your he... GEORGE R.R. MARTIN A selection of teas is accompanied by a delicious assortment of freshly prepared savories and sweets... MARY HENDRON Life is an incurable disease. ABRAHAM CROWLEY Life is an incurable disease. ABRAHAM COWLEY A selection of teas is accompanied by a delicious assortment of freshly prepared savories and sweets... MARY HENDRON Life is an incurable disease ABRAHAM COWLEY When the children are laughing, the teacher can smile. When the teacher smiles, the children may fee... APURVA GAGLANI The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases is an institute of the National Institutes... ANTHONY FAUCI Laughter to begin with was probably glee at the misfortunes of others. The baring of the teeth in l... ERIC HOFFER Everything is undefined, and that is accompanied by a lack of character and principle among the peop... ISA QOSYA Conversion is an enlarging, a deepening, and a broadening of the undergirding base of testimony. It ... DAVID A. BEDNAR Religion is an infectious and contagious virus. It can infect everyone if they don’t have immunity... DEBASISH MRIDHA It is really no surprise that, in a media world that has been so compromised by an invasion of polit... DAVID HORSEY Grief is an amputation, but hope is incurable haemophilia: you bleed and bleed and bleed. DAVID MITCHELL I am broken and healing, but every piece of my heart belong to you. SARAH J. MAAS You do what you love, what you need SARAH J. MAAS You are the blood of the dragon. You can make a hat. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Music is perpetual, and only the hearing is intermittent. HENRY DAVID THOREAU Music is perpetual, and only the hearing is intermittent. HENRY DAVID THOREAU Hodor," said Hodor. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN She made a fence of phrases, which seemed a treachery to herself. ELIZABETH TAYLOR He thinks he'll be remembered as the villain in the story. But I forgot to tell him that the villain... SARAH J. MAAS Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold ... GEORGE R.R. MARTIN The issue isn't whether he loved you, it's how much. Too much. Love can be poison SARAH J. MAAS I turned. Rhysand leaned against the archway into the sitting room, arms crossed, wings nowhere... SARAH J. MAAS All speech is vain and empty unless it be accompanied by action. DEMOSTHENES Cessation of work is not accompanied by cessation of expenses. CATO ELDER Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. ARNOLD BENNETT And it is of course true that pharmacologists are producing a great many new wonder drugs where the ... ALDOUS HUXLEY Take a chance of your life, you're risking nothing in this planet. NAZIM AMBALATH In Shakespearean tragedy the main source of the convulsion which produces suffering and death is nev... ANDREW COYLE BRADLEY I was part of Jazzercise class. It was an aerobics routine accompanied by loud music, sounding quite... RUTH BADER GINSBURG Cessation of work is not accompanied by cessation of expenses. CATO THE ELDER So that godly sorrow may be discerned by this train of graces wherewith it is accompanied, that worl... THOMAS HOOKER Happiness is infectious and timeless CHRIS W. MORRIS (CHRISTOPHER WILLIAM MORRIS) Sometimes the laughter in mothering is the recognition of the ironies and absurdities. Sometime, tho... BARBARA SCHAPIRO A servant who serves excellently from his whole heart with due courage and humility is never a serva... ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH This is a criminal case organized by the country's president and the interior minister. KOBA DAVITASHVILI You're still lovely," Mor said a bit gently. Elain offered a half smile. "I suppose that war m... SARAH J. MAAS I really like iZotope Trash, which is a great plug-in for distortion, as is Ohmicide, which I love. ... SKRILLEX Family dinners are more often than not an ordeal of nervous indigestion, preceded by hidden resent... M F K FISHER Family dinners are more often than not an ordeal of nervous indigestion, preceded by hidden resentme... M. F. K. FISHER Fierce for the right, he bore his part in strife with many a valiant foe; but laughter winged his po... WILLIAM WINTERS Genius is always accompanied by enthusiasm. BRYANT H. MCGILL Each concession we make is accompanied by an inner diminution of which we are not immediately consci... EMILE M. CIORAN Their insatiable lust for power is only equaled by their incurable impotence in exercising it. WINSTON CHURCHILL Environmental pollution is an incurable disease. It can only be prevented. BARRY COMMONER The deceit and distortion surrounding the American invasion of Vietnam is by now so familiar that it... NOAM CHOMSKY While negativity is politically useful, it is also demoralizing unless it is accompanied - and to so... JOHN PODHORETZ He had to deal all at once with the packed regrets and stifled memories of an inarticulate lifetime. EDITH WHARTON Art is the distortion of an unendurable reality... Art is correction, modification of a situation; a... JEAN TINGUELY Real progress is accompanied by a fundamental change in thinking. JIM GENOVESE We have tears in our eyes As we wave our goodbyes, We so loved being with you, we three. ROALD DAHL Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening. STEVE MARTIN It's a very fascinating thing for an actor to play somebody who is suffering, and you have to ex... EDDIE MARSAN My father, an architectural photographer, was an incurable tinkerer, maker and mender. NICK PARK Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. - "T... ARNOLD BENNETT 'Tickle Monster' is an interactive book and, by the nature of the story, bonds the parent an... JOSIE BISSETT Judy Garland was a different type of entertainer. She was a dancer, a singer, and an incurable roman... MICKEY ROONEY Demosthenes overcame and rendered more distinct his inarticulate and stammering pronunciation by spe... PLUTARCH The road to perdition has ever been accompanied by lip service to an ideal. ALBERT EINSTEIN The garden, by design, is concerned with both the interior and the land beyond the garden. STEPHEN GARDINER Life is prolonged heartache with intermittent intervals of contentment. LAUREN VALENCIA Life is prolonged heartache with intermittent intervals of contentment. LAUREN VALENCIA I wish you well - if you will die. May you rest in peace. FAKEER ISHAVARDAS Our passions are like convulsion fits, which, though they make us stronger for a time, leave us the ... ALEXANDER POPE I only ever worked on interiors, and an interior is an interior. I don't know what they did abou... CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON Hate is the consequence of fear; we fear something before we hate it; a child who fears noises becom... CYRIL CONNOLLY The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make. ... VICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE I am losing precious days. I am degenerating into a machine for making money. I am learning nothing ... JOHN MUIR Wetland loss was part of the process, but it was always accompanied by wetland gain. ROBERT TWILLEY My first rule of travel is never to go to a place that sounds like a medical condition and Critz is ... BILL BRYSON Paganism is infectious, more infectious than diphtheria or piety. E. M. FORSTER I'm always highly irritated by people who imply that writing fiction is an escape from reality. It i... FLANNERY O'CONNOR Hard to restrain, unstable is this mind; it flits wherever it lists. Good it is to control the mind.... GAUTAMA BUDDHA Like many physical diseases, anti-Semitism is highly infectious, and can become endemic in certain l... PAUL JOHNSON We must not confuse distortion with innovation; distortion is useless change, art is beneficial chan... CHUCK JONES This was the plan: we would take a holy and sacred picture of the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Elvis P... MARK MANNING Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes. FAKEER ISHAVARDAS It is what it is, it is what you make it. JAMES DURBIN The writer's is an interior world, a world of the mind. VIKAS SWARUP Our passions are like convulsion fits, which, though they make us stronger for the time, leave us th... JONATHAN SWIFT They usually respond by producing calls and approaching the speaker, presumably to ward of an intrud... ALBERT FENG The human population would probably be way less than a thousand, if ejaculation were not usually acc... MOKOKOMA MOKHONOANA Intelligence is only relevant when applied, what matters more is that a man can laugh at himself DANIEL ROBERT O'NEILL Self - complacency is pleasure accompanied by the idea of oneself as cause BARUCH SPINOZA Self-complacency is pleasure accompanied by the idea of oneself as cause. BARUCH SPINOZA Our civilization is characterized by the word progress. Progress is its form rather than making prog... LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN I want to share this bed with you, though," I breathed. "I want you to hold me." Stars flicker... SARAH J. MAAS gross distortion of the truth. MICHAEL JACKSON What the poor, the weak, and the inarticulate desperately require is power, organization, and a sens... PAUL WELLSTONE
More Ambrose Bierce
WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous oc... AMBROSE BIERCE Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. AMBROSE BIERCE RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue. AMBROSE BIERCE FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and s... AMBROSE BIERCE ... the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his coun... AMBROSE BIERCE Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. AMBROSE BIERCE Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfort... AMBROSE BIERCE The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge. AMBROSE BIERCE Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. AMBROSE BIERCE Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. AMBROSE BIERCE The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up. AMBROSE BIERCE Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. AMBROSE BIERCE Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their ... AMBROSE BIERCE Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. AMBROSE BIERCE Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking th... AMBROSE BIERCE The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. AMBROSE BIERCE Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. AMBROSE BIERCE Acquaintance: a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate ... AMBROSE BIERCE Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly un... AMBROSE BIERCE To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. AMBROSE BIERCE A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man, who has no gills. AMBROSE BIERCE Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. AMBROSE BIERCE Politeness -- The most acceptable hypocrisy. AMBROSE BIERCE Alien. An American sovereign in his probationary state. AMBROSE BIERCE An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly k... AMBROSE BIERCE Historian. A broad -- gauge gossip. AMBROSE BIERCE Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Mis... AMBROSE BIERCE A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker. AMBROSE BIERCE An egotist is a person interested in himself than in me! AMBROSE BIERCE Abscond. To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. AMBROSE BIERCE Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their deso... AMBROSE BIERCE A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. AMBROSE BIERCE Alliance. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserte... AMBROSE BIERCE A coward is one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. AMBROSE BIERCE Compromise. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction o... AMBROSE BIERCE A bride is a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply in... AMBROSE BIERCE Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo AMBROSE BIERCE Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscie... AMBROSE BIERCE One who is in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. AMBROSE BIERCE ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A m... AMBROSE BIERCE Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. AMBROSE BIERCE Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. AMBROSE BIERCE Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. AMBROSE BIERCE Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. AMBROSE BIERCE Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. AMBROSE BIERCE BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginar... AMBROSE BIERCE Faith, noun. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things ... AMBROSE BIERCE Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understa... AMBROSE BIERCE Happiness, noun. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. AMBROSE BIERCE History, n. An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly... AMBROSE BIERCE Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. AMBROSE BIERCE Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. AMBROSE BIERCE Income is the natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability. AMBROSE BIERCE Optimism, n. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. AMBROSE BIERCE Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. AMBROSE BIERCE INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction. AMBROSE BIERCE Litigant: a person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bone. AMBROSE BIERCE ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth b... AMBROSE BIERCE TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeab... AMBROSE BIERCE Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreea... AMBROSE BIERCE I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it ... AMBROSE BIERCE PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. AMBROSE BIERCE ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. Having received an ultima... AMBROSE BIERCE DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. AMBROSE BIERCE PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and im... AMBROSE BIERCE Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling AMBROSE BIERCE Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. AMBROSE BIERCE CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. AMBROSE BIERCE PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it. AMBROSE BIERCE BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable fo... AMBROSE BIERCE A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothi... AMBROSE BIERCE PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by ... AMBROSE BIERCE BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the P... AMBROSE BIERCE CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, _Cogit... AMBROSE BIERCE MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. M is for Moses,... AMBROSE BIERCE TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. AMBROSE BIERCE TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word... AMBROSE BIERCE MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also ... AMBROSE BIERCE FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, freque... AMBROSE BIERCE Vote: The instrument and symbol of a free man's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his c... AMBROSE BIERCE LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. AMBROSE BIERCE In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to t... AMBROSE BIERCE Advice is the smallest current coin. AMBROSE BIERCE SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one's own by superior insi... AMBROSE BIERCE ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding. AMBROSE BIERCE Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confesse... AMBROSE BIERCE WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does no... AMBROSE BIERCE INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but... AMBROSE BIERCE LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a word in the middle of a l... AMBROSE BIERCE PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction --prototype of the modern newspa... AMBROSE BIERCE APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. AMBROSE BIERCE WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A po... AMBROSE BIERCE MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhors... AMBROSE BIERCE ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice. AMBROSE BIERCE ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude . . . AMBROSE BIERCE ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. AMBROSE BIERCE TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word... AMBROSE BIERCE DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were... AMBROSE BIERCE ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. AMBROSE BIERCE ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Was... AMBROSE BIERCE PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable ac... AMBROSE BIERCE APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question. AMBROSE BIERCE CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved a... AMBROSE BIERCE ADOLESCENCE The stage between puberty and adultery. AMBROSE BIERCE CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. AMBROSE BIERCE ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about ... AMBROSE BIERCE REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape pain... AMBROSE BIERCE BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the P... AMBROSE BIERCE HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. AMBROSE BIERCE FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite ... AMBROSE BIERCE MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.M is for Moses, Who slew th... AMBROSE BIERCE WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ'... AMBROSE BIERCE FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth an... AMBROSE BIERCE CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on. AMBROSE BIERCE PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. AMBROSE BIERCE BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a ba... AMBROSE BIERCE Strike while your employer has a big contract. AMBROSE BIERCE EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is pl... AMBROSE BIERCE COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasit... AMBROSE BIERCE ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.So wide his erudition's mighty span, He ... AMBROSE BIERCE PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and im... AMBROSE BIERCE POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, t... AMBROSE BIERCE ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performan... AMBROSE BIERCE FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed... AMBROSE BIERCE IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. AMBROSE BIERCE DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.A leaf was ri... AMBROSE BIERCE DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evol... AMBROSE BIERCE CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too int... AMBROSE BIERCE Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. AMBROSE BIERCE PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. ... AMBROSE BIERCE ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.If I were a jolly archbish... AMBROSE BIERCE SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace... AMBROSE BIERCE BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters --the most difficult kind of English verse to write acce... AMBROSE BIERCE Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. AMBROSE BIERCE DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more object... AMBROSE BIERCE NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and... AMBROSE BIERCE USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Convention... AMBROSE BIERCE SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. AMBROSE BIERCE RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate t... AMBROSE BIERCE HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. AMBROSE BIERCE There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. AMBROSE BIERCE MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers... AMBROSE BIERCE Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to t... AMBROSE BIERCE OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief.... AMBROSE BIERCE OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief. AMBROSE BIERCE Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one ... AMBROSE BIERCE Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, c... AMBROSE BIERCE In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, patriotism is defined as the last refuge of a scoundrel. With a... AMBROSE BIERCE LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. AMBROSE BIERCE PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban d... AMBROSE BIERCE ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for... AMBROSE BIERCE EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dea... AMBROSE BIERCE SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a n... AMBROSE BIERCE ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A... AMBROSE BIERCE PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovide... AMBROSE BIERCE BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he ... AMBROSE BIERCE EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state. AMBROSE BIERCE ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling c... AMBROSE BIERCE Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. AMBROSE BIERCE LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. T... AMBROSE BIERCE WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum."... AMBROSE BIERCE QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own... AMBROSE BIERCE Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property su... AMBROSE BIERCE ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost. AMBROSE BIERCE PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. AMBROSE BIERCE Pitted against hard drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scyt... AMBROSE BIERCE Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. AMBROSE BIERCE Opportunity is a favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. AMBROSE BIERCE UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. AMBROSE BIERCE From the vast, invisible ocean of moonlight overhead fell, here and here, a slender, broken stream t... AMBROSE BIERCE He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. AMBROSE BIERCE You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps. AMBROSE BIERCE Edible. Good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pi... AMBROSE BIERCE Consult. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on. AMBROSE BIERCE They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid. AMBROSE BIERCE Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity. AMBROSE BIERCE Deliberation. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. AMBROSE BIERCE PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. AMBROSE BIERCE Admiration; is our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. AMBROSE BIERCE Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. AMBROSE BIERCE An optimist is a proponent of the doctrine that black is white. AMBROSE BIERCE Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. AMBROSE BIERCE Wit. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. AMBROSE BIERCE To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense. AMBROSE BIERCE The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. AMBROSE BIERCE Consul. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is give... AMBROSE BIERCE Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscien... AMBROSE BIERCE The covers of this book are too far apart. AMBROSE BIERCE The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors. AMBROSE BIERCE To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of one's voice. AMBROSE BIERCE Censor, n. An officer of certain governments, employed to supress the works of genius. Among the Rom... AMBROSE BIERCE Genealogy. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his o... AMBROSE BIERCE Woman absent is woman dead. AMBROSE BIERCE DIPLOMACY, n. Lying in state, or the patriotic art of lying for one's country. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds. Misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the So... AMBROSE BIERCE Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE