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Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do.


Eoin Colfer

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Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only ...
EOIN COLFER Pizza, pizza,
Fill up your face,
The thicker the pastry,
The better the base!
EOIN COLFER Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks?
EOIN COLFER No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's m...
EOIN COLFER The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.
EOIN COLFER Artemis and Holly stood together in their underwear, gingerly locking fingers. They had crossed spac...
EOIN COLFER Some people just needed to be stolen from.
EOIN COLFER Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."
The ma...
EOIN COLFER I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that ...
EOIN COLFER Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the f...
EOIN COLFER Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.
EOIN COLFER Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.

"Not me!" said Ori...
EOIN COLFER Certain battles were won by retreating.
EOIN COLFER They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enli...
EOIN COLFER I really hate pain.
I'd pull my own soul out if it meant I could stop the pain.
YUN KOUGA I hate you! (Artemis)
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JOHN GREEN Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.
EOIN COLFER Sometimes we want something so much that God will have us give it up so we can grow
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ROMY MADLEY CROFT Still, I hate them. But, of course, I hate almost everybody now. Myself more than anyone.
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Holly opened the throttle...
EOIN COLFER I thought I'd do something nice for the band... I'll hang myself.
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CHARLIE WEBER When I did finally speak, I surprised myself by saying exactly what was on my mind.
“You must ha...
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ADAM DRIVER We were really motivated to do something with this record overseas, even though I hate touring.
DANIEL JOHNS Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.
EOIN COLFER

More Eoin Colfer

Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.
EOIN COLFER A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.
EOIN COLFER Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”
“Cheese made by dwarfs.”
“Oh,” said ...
EOIN COLFER If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.
EOIN COLFER He threw his head back and sang, "'I am a centaur, yes, a centaur is what I am.' It's not like you t...
EOIN COLFER Don't try to understand me, just be grateful that you felt the warmth of Zaphod Beeblebrox's aura on...
EOIN COLFER Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole.
EOIN COLFER this was business.
EOIN COLFER Certain battles were won by retreating.
EOIN COLFER Don't worry chief,"said foaly,"It's like riding a unicorn,you never forget.
EOIN COLFER Too much damned TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes."
"That's professor Moriarty," corrected Foaly....
EOIN COLFER If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void.
EOIN COLFER I'm right there with you, darlin'. Unless you step on a landmine, in which case I'm way back in the ...
EOIN COLFER The problem is that I know the textbook answers to any question you care to ask.
EOIN COLFER Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that ...
EOIN COLFER Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only ...
EOIN COLFER The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperanc...
EOIN COLFER upprising.
EOIN COLFER Pizza, pizza,
Fill up your face,
The thicker the pastry,
The better the base!
EOIN COLFER how does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.
Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magi...
EOIN COLFER This was a nightmare scenario for any bodyguard: stuck in the middle of a transparent tube, several ...
EOIN COLFER When you've come face-to-face with the dark side of the school yard, life doesn't hold many surprise...
EOIN COLFER They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enli...
EOIN COLFER Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."
The ma...
EOIN COLFER I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that ...
EOIN COLFER Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.
EOIN COLFER Are you saying that you people knew about these amorophobots all the time?"
"Of course we did. ...
EOIN COLFER Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before br...
EOIN COLFER Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it wi...
EOIN COLFER All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.
EOIN COLFER The others ignored him, busy doing what men generally do in dangerous times: putting on their trouse...
EOIN COLFER HOLLY: Are you suggesting I occasionally stray from the rule book?
FOALY: No. I'm suggesting yo...
EOIN COLFER It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door t...
EOIN COLFER It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice.
EOIN COLFER You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I m...
EOIN COLFER In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are sm...
EOIN COLFER Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.
EOIN COLFER What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wo...
EOIN COLFER And I will not be beaten by that jackass."

"Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite u...
EOIN COLFER Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.
EOIN COLFER Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something."
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of s...
EOIN COLFER If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.
EOIN COLFER Anybody see you come in here?"
Holly thought about it.
"The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, M16. Oh, a...
EOIN COLFER But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart.
EOIN COLFER Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP ...
EOIN COLFER Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.
EOIN COLFER Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition.
EOIN COLFER I don't like lollipops.
EOIN COLFER Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would...
EOIN COLFER Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselv...
EOIN COLFER I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped t...
EOIN COLFER Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, Worthy Centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your ...
EOIN COLFER Sometimes, Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker would be thrown out a high window and th...
EOIN COLFER Jon Spiro might have “stuff ” that the military didn’t have, but Artemis Fowl had “stuff ”...
EOIN COLFER A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladde...
EOIN COLFER The only lesson I really wanted to get across,
EOIN COLFER Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.

At least Artemis hoped this was what...
EOIN COLFER This might hurt a little is universal code for this will definitely hurt a lot
EOIN COLFER Oh, I'm crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, O...
EOIN COLFER Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.

"Not me!" said Ori...
EOIN COLFER Some people just needed to be stolen from.
EOIN COLFER ...I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile."
"...Where's all the loot...
EOIN COLFER Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.
EOIN COLFER Artemis remembered a few lines from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: “But I don’t want to go ...
EOIN COLFER It looks like you've found an intellectual equal, Mulch," said Holly. "It's a pity he isn't a girl; ...
EOIN COLFER Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test q...
EOIN COLFER I often meet frustrated young writers who say they've only got so far and just can't finish ...
EOIN COLFER I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?
EOIN COLFER Why no aggressive action?" Foaly squirmed in a harness built for two-legged creatures. "Oh yes, why ...
EOIN COLFER I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.
EOIN COLFER Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what...
EOIN COLFER The thing about reading is that if you are hooked, you're not going to stop just because one ser...
EOIN COLFER Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team
EOIN COLFER My bugs don't have bugs.
EOIN COLFER I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ...ah...butler, has a Sig Saucer in his shoulder holster, two shri...
EOIN COLFER Trust me. I'm a genius.
EOIN COLFER Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.
EOIN COLFER So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?"

"That's right. My mother's folks are from Kil...
EOIN COLFER Together we will be unstoppable.
EOIN COLFER Waitress: "And to drink?"
Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As...
EOIN COLFER You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy ...
EOIN COLFER Artemis took a chance on some calculated sarcasm. “Really, Spiro. Did you think I would attempt a ...
EOIN COLFER There's nothing more dangerous than a short guy with something to prove.
EOIN COLFER When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero?
EOIN COLFER Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?

Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now,...
EOIN COLFER I can invent my own creatures and give them their own powers
EOIN COLFER He uses it against me, too. One day he said, all those other kids have their books signed by you, so...
EOIN COLFER I was lucky I was never bullied at school - I had a great gang of friends.
EOIN COLFER You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.
'Nope,' I replied.
EOIN COLFER Red was smiling back at me. “Ok. I'm not in trouble. But tell me your heart didn't start beating f...
EOIN COLFER The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.
EOIN COLFER Oh,It's going to be so easy to kill you",scoffed Opal.
EOIN COLFER Maybe I owe you something too, human," she said, drawing her pistol. Butler almost reacted, but deci...
EOIN COLFER I am not exuding anything," said Holly through gritted teeth.

Orion tapped her shoulder. ...
EOIN COLFER Earth,” he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this ...
EOIN COLFER Butler snapped his fingers. "Focus, Artemis! Time enough for your Atlantis Complex later. We have th...
EOIN COLFER Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are sup...
EOIN COLFER Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles."

Holly opened the throttle...
EOIN COLFER Artemis and Holly stood together in their underwear, gingerly locking fingers. They had crossed spac...
EOIN COLFER Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life.
EOIN COLFER No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's m...
EOIN COLFER I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any tim...
EOIN COLFER The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.
EOIN COLFER I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger se...
EOIN COLFER Good. Illegal is always faster.
EOIN COLFER Orion brightened. "I have an idea."

"Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Art...
EOIN COLFER Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have trav...
EOIN COLFER I'm kind of in the dark. All I know is that the screenplay is finished.
EOIN COLFER It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.
EOIN COLFER Holly is alive,' thought Foaly
'My princess lives,'exulted Orion. 'And we're chasing a dragon
EOIN COLFER So if you're not Artemis Fowl, then who are you?"

The boy extended a dripping hand straig...
EOIN COLFER How do I love thee? wondered Orion. "Let me see. I love thee passionately and eternally...obviously ...
EOIN COLFER I feel a little dizzy," said Orion. "But also wonderfully elated. I feel that I am on the verge of f...
EOIN COLFER The trick to negotiation was to hold all the cards going in and, even if you didn't, to try to look ...
EOIN COLFER What's this?" he inquired, none too pleasantly. "A circus?"
"No, Julius. It's the end of the ci...
EOIN COLFER Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with.
EOIN COLFER Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.
EOIN COLFER (to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push ...
EOIN COLFER The lucky ones hit partitions and went straight through. The unlucky ones collided with solid cinder...
EOIN COLFER And one more thing. About my name — Artemis — you were right. In London, it is generally a femal...
EOIN COLFER The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can d...
EOIN COLFER Of course I saved you," she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed...
EOIN COLFER The little boys did as they were told, eager to please their deranged brother.

"Ici, g...
EOIN COLFER She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the mom...
EOIN COLFER Excuse me, Tex," the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babi...
EOIN COLFER Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.
EOIN COLFER Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.
EOIN COLFER Artemis simple-toon
EOIN COLFER A fifeteen-year old, of to save the world, with faries. - Angeline Fowl
EOIN COLFER I'm the nut!
EOIN COLFER Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, worthy centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your ...
EOIN COLFER confidence is ignorance.If your'e feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know
EOIN COLFER Stupid. Stupid. Foaly, we are both imbeciles. I don't expect lateral thinking from the LEP, but from...
EOIN COLFER She strode across the McGraney boundary without a backward glance, legs cutting twin swatches in the...
EOIN COLFER Maybe I'm just gonna kill you," says Mike, peeved at being predictable. "You ever think of that?" EOIN COLFER I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom.
EOIN COLFER I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.
EOIN COLFER Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.
EOIN COLFER Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, toleran...
EOIN COLFER That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked ...
EOIN COLFER Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the f...
EOIN COLFER Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps.
"Wait! Just wait," she called, ...
EOIN COLFER If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm mad. That's the way history is written
EOIN COLFER Certainly, Doctor. Let's talk about your chair. Victorian?
EOIN COLFER Butler shot one of the half dozen diners a fierce glare, just in case she might be planning somethin...
EOIN COLFER (about his terrible attempt at making a sandwich) It's more difficult than it looks. (Artemis Fowl)
EOIN COLFER The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.
EOIN COLFER code red thing.’ Holly
EOIN COLFER Holly
EOIN COLFER I can invent my own creatures and give them their own powers. It was great fun.
EOIN COLFER [When it comes to writing, Colfer admits to being a bit of a perfectionist. Over time, he's learned ...
EOIN COLFER [Right now, on tour, Colfer is missing his wife and two kids but says it would be churlish not to ap...
EOIN COLFER Her glare was so intense that you completely forgot she was wearing pink.
EOIN COLFER Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks?
EOIN COLFER The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really fe...
EOIN COLFER Vinyaya was being openly antagonistic, and that was an emotion that could be trusted, unless of cour...
EOIN COLFER Mulch's tongue lolled out, resting on the centaur's neck. "Mmm," he mumbled around his tongue. "Hors...
EOIN COLFER Is that how you're going to take me? Scare me into voluntarily coming aboard, then steal my Ice Cube...
EOIN COLFER Very well, I promise. So, what did you get for me?" Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans." "What?" cro...
EOIN COLFER So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis...
EOIN COLFER Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moro...
EOIN COLFER Who are you?" he asked.
I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer t...
EOIN COLFER What many people don't know about 'Peter Pan' is that it's a very violent book and H...
EOIN COLFER Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!
EOIN COLFER Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both?
EOIN COLFER Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
EOIN COLFER It felt like my teeth were sweating. Eoin Colfer's The Legend of Spud Murphy
EOIN COLFER Young love is common, but that doesn't mean it's not precious.
EOIN COLFER Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?
EOIN COLFER Today he became a killer, or else a corpse.
EOIN COLFER They have gone. And the tunnel is about to close. So, boys, I am looking for someone to blame.
EOIN COLFER He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in ...
EOIN COLFER No one's ever really ready for a troll.
EOIN COLFER When I went to school, I was already reading and writing. In fact, I was offended that the other kid...
EOIN COLFER I am perhaps unusual in that I came to 'Doctor Who' through the numerous novelisations and n...
EOIN COLFER No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
EOIN COLFER After his last race, I wasn't that shocked at the news. (Fulton) said he just felt the decision was ...
EOIN HARTY This was the perfect place to run her. Put her on the lead and put her on the rail, and you're prett...
EOIN HARTY She really hasn't had a lot of experience, but every race she seems to get better and better. She's ...
EOIN HARTY Anyone can have a once-upon-a-time or a happily-ever-after, but it's the journey between that makes ...
CHRIS COLFER Courage is one thing that no one can ever take away from you.
CHRIS COLFER I’ve tried being other people and myself suits me the best.
CHRIS COLFER Right now, we're living in an ugly chapter of our lives, but books always get better!
CHRIS COLFER I hope to write someday and that’s even more terrifying than performing. You don’t just entertai...
CHRIS COLFER The world will always choose convenience over reality. It's easier to hate, blame, and fear than it ...
CHRIS COLFER Don’t listen to what people tell you because they’ll try to bring you down. And don’t listen t...
CHRIS COLFER I wonder if people would learn from the Little Mermaid’s heartbreak when she dies at the end of he...
CHRIS COLFER Be brave. Courage is one thing that no one can ever take away from you.
CHRIS COLFER There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in. And definitely get o...
CHRIS COLFER I couldn't do country, with all due respect to all country music artists. My parents dressed me ...
CHRIS COLFER I kind of did this thing in high school, a spoof of 'Sweeney Todd' called 'Shirley Todd,...
CHRIS COLFER He obviously resents being taken back.
EOIN HARTY You've got to show the world who you are before it tells you. Otherwise you become victim to someone...
CHRIS COLFER I was a lone duck in a swan-filled pond who criticized everyone.
CHRIS COLFER Oh, I have this feud going with the L.A. Unified School District, because I keep getting these phone...
CHRIS COLFER Even after years of constant abuse from her stepmother and her stepsisters, Cinderella remained a go...
CHRIS COLFER Once upon a time' These are the most magical words our world has ever known and the gateway to the g...
CHRIS COLFER I'm allergic to stupidity.
CHRIS COLFER Then find out what your sword is - find your own advantage - and wear it proudly.
CHRIS COLFER Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
No amount of money,
Can stop me from loving you,
CHRIS COLFER