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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.


Erma Bombeck

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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK
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He who defends everything defends nothing.
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I am not yet ready to be Tsar. I know nothing of the business of ruling.
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Render to God what you owe him; recognize the obligations you are under to him.
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I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
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I have seen all, I have heard all, I have forgotten all.
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Iron hand in a velvet glove.
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Being queen is overrated.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the s...
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Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe...
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Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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How does a doctor feel when he loses a patient in the emergency room? The same way a child feels wh...
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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice' ?
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're mergi...
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer ...
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Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffe...
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By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education.... From televi...
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrige...
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All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white...
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
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Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoo...
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Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that ...
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have ...
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect ...
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work...
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the k...
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I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. BY all accou...
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All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white...
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows
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I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from...
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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if ...
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Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for ...
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times...
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed un...
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's...
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contempora...
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you...
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly ad...
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout...
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A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste
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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if...
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself."
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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
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Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And f...
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At some point in your life if you're lucky you throw practicality to the wind and start living.
ERMA BOMBECK
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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If I had my life to live over...

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life t...
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When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if...
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten...
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Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
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People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same...
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I finally found a doctor with a lot of patients, and he didn't have any patience to listen to me.
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When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
ERMA BOMBECK
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
ERMA BOMBECK
Never accept a drink from a Urologist.
ERMA BOMBECK
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. -Erma Bombeck.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their...
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians ...
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Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gift...
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Children make your life important.
ERMA BOMBECK
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
ERMA BOMBECK
Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents nev...
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians ...
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Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one t...
ERMA BOMBECK
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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Housework can kill you if done right.
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I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it.
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Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until...
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Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoo...
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For years [my wedding ring] has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my ...
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
ERMA BOMBECK
Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one t...
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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
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There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's...
ERMA BOMBECK
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but moth...
ERMA BOMBECK
I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!"...
ERMA BOMBECK
I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. . . .
ERMA BOMBECK
God created man, but I could do better.
ERMA BOMBECK
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
ERMA BOMBECK
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
ERMA BOMBECK
As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I ...
ERMA BOMBECK
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after s...
ERMA BOMBECK
Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.
ERMA BOMBECK
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
ERMA BOMBECK
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
ERMA BOMBECK
You already know something you don't even know that you know.
ERMA BOMBECK
My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's ha...
ERMA BOMBECK
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when...
ERMA BOMBECK
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time...
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If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity...
ERMA BOMBECK
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigera...
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I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food.
ERMA BOMBECK
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
ERMA BOMBECK
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding...
ERMA BOMBECK
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
ERMA BOMBECK
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance
ERMA BOMBECK
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK
Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dream...
ERMA BOMBECK
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
ERMA BOMBECK
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, No, thank you, to dessert that night. And for...
ERMA BOMBECK
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it w...
ERMA BOMBECK
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a s...
ERMA BOMBECK
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
ERMA BOMBECK
Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.
ERMA BOMBECK
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
ERMA BOMBECK
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the...
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
ERMA BOMBECK
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
ERMA BOMBECK
Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch...
ERMA BOMBECK
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, ...
ERMA BOMBECK
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
ERMA BOMBECK
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've nev...
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When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others
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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog...
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many fa...
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had ...
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
ERMA BOMBECK
If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
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I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 dire...
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
ERMA BOMBECK
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
ERMA BOMBECK
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
ERMA BOMBECK
When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth ...
ERMA BOMBECK
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popula...
ERMA BOMBECK
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
ERMA BOMBECK
What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hol...
ERMA BOMBECK
There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
ERMA BOMBECK
I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearin...
ERMA BOMBECK
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned,...
ERMA BOMBECK
When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, What kind of fath...
ERMA BOMBECK
We've got a generation now who were born with semi equality. They don't know how it was before, so t...
ERMA BOMBECK
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
ERMA BOMBECK
Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer.
ERMA BOMBECK
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of ...
ERMA BOMBECK
Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold ...
ERMA BOMBECK
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I...
ERMA BOMBECK
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It&#...
ERMA BOMBECK
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my hu...
ERMA BOMBECK
Never have more children than you have car windows.
ERMA BOMBECK
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
ERMA BOMBECK
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog ...
ERMA BOMBECK
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are u...
ERMA BOMBECK
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the...
ERMA BOMBECK
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a st...
ERMA BOMBECK
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
ERMA BOMBECK
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn'...
ERMA BOMBECK
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
ERMA BOMBECK
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, ...
ERMA BOMBECK
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
ERMA BOMBECK
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
ERMA BOMBECK
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
ERMA BOMBECK
Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.
ERMA BOMBECK
Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents nev...
ERMA BOMBECK
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
ERMA BOMBECK
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians ...
ERMA BOMBECK
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the...
ERMA BOMBECK
The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to...
ERMA BOMBECK
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
ERMA BOMBECK
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all ...
ERMA BOMBECK
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
ERMA BOMBECK
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned...
ERMA BOMBECK
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are thre...
ERMA BOMBECK
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
ERMA BOMBECK
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
ERMA BOMBECK
There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've...
ERMA BOMBECK
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
ERMA BOMBECK
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got ...
ERMA BOMBECK
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe...
ERMA BOMBECK
Housework can kill you if done right
ERMA BOMBECK
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same...
ERMA BOMBECK