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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.


Dave Barry

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When I've tried to reinvent the wheel, I get bashed for not doing the familiar things.
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Jesus, take the wheel
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Therefore I am sure that this, my Coronation, is not the symbol of a power and a splendor that are g...
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The events that I have attended to mark my Diamond Jubilee have been a humbling experience. It has t...
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I have in sincerity pledged myself to your service, as so many of you are pledged to mine. Throughou...
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I hope that tomorrow we can all, wherever we are, join in expressing our grief at Diana's loss, ...
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The invention of the printing press was one of the most important events in human history.
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I declare before you all that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your s...
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These wretched babies don't come until they are ready.
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It is easy enough to define what the Commonwealth is not. Indeed this is quite a popular pastime.
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I have to be seen to be believed.
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At Christmas, I am always struck by how the spirit of togetherness lies also at the heart of the Chr...
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For many, Christmas is also a time for coming together. But for others, service will come first.
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I myself prefer my New Zealand eggs for breakfast.
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The British constitution has always been puzzling and always will be.
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Madam President, speaking here in Dublin Castle it is impossible to ignore the weight of history, as...
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Grief is the price we pay for love.
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I have behind me not only the splendid traditions and the annals of more than a thousand years but t...
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Let me finish my beer." (Stark)
"Of course. The end of the world can wait.(Kasabian)
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With Allied, we were a spoke in the wheel. Now, we are the wheel.
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I don't know if I have a favorite color.
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It's very special having a new little girl.
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Every wheel wish to be the wheel of a car, and not of just another vehicle.
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Stitch life down fo...
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Carrie Underwood, take the wheel-I was not okay.
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Go home, and let all your relatives off the potter's wheel. You are not the potter!
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Morality was probably the invention of unattractive men. Whom else does it benefit really
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Invention is nothing more than a fine deviation from, or enlargement on a fine model . . .
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“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, yo...
DAVE BARRY
But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unf...
DAVE BARRY
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regard...
DAVE BARRY
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling y...
DAVE BARRY
We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how
DAVE BARRY
Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses t...
DAVE BARRY
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no n...
DAVE BARRY
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions...
DAVE BARRY
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be att...
DAVE BARRY
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
DAVE BARRY
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
DAVE BARRY
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...
DAVE BARRY
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
DAVE BARRY
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
DAVE BARRY
I'd take a nerf bullet for you.
DAVE BARRY
The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the ...
DAVE BARRY
Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
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The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they...
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A thunderstorm is God's way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer
DAVE BARRY
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withst...
DAVE BARRY
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
DAVE BARRY
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious pe...
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New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace ...
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with th...
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We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this i...
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
DAVE BARRY
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answ...
DAVE BARRY
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacInto...
DAVE BARRY
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed...
DAVE BARRY
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, D...
DAVE BARRY
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Int...
DAVE BARRY
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
DAVE BARRY
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY