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A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.


Bill Cosby

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I roll my eyes. "So when did I become so special? When they carted me off to the Capitol?"
"No,...
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Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read.
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Isn't it strange how life won't flow, like a river, but moves in jumps, as if it were held back by l...
ANITA DESAI
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
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For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moo...
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Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom.
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE
It's my attempt to remain invisible, not distract the reader from the story with obvious writing.
ELMORE LEONARD
The obvious matters are more imperceptible today.
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A life without sweets is not much worth living.
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On the first floor, the first rule of a rumor was humor.
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There are two sides to every story, and sometimes three, four, and five.
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Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.
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Why can't we save these boys without sending them to Africa? How difficult is it? We can do it, man....
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It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.
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We're the geniuses of the house because only a person intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
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When I decided that I wanted to go to college, I wanted to be a school teacher for 7th and 8th grade...
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Your rooms are as filthy today as they were when you graduated from high school. And we want them cl...
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There's no reason for him to come here and jump on black men who have been held down for years.
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Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
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Is the glass half full, or half empty?It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.
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Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an o...
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Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
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I never saw anything funny in a car commercial - but that's OK. Whatever they wanted to do - it&...
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When you introduce competition into the public school system, most studies show that schools start t...
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I want all this loud profanity in the street stopped. I want people to think about choices.
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The summit, which is set up to educate people about managing their money and protecting their income...
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Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
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That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you...
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A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
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In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
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Lasting harmony with a woman (was) an undertaking in which I twice failed rather disgracefully.
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You haven't lost your smile at all, it's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there.
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Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
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Racial humor was about 35% of my act when I first started. But I realized that it was a crutch. What...
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My observations are not bread crumbs. They do not dissolve. They are on record, on film printed in b...
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Is the glass half full, or half empty?
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She (his wife) is the wind beneath my wings.
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This is one of those stories that came out of the devastation of New Orleans that has not been widel...
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It's more blessed to give than to receive -- especially kittens.
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
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Gray hair is God's graffiti
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Old is always fifteen years from now.
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A father . . . knows exactly what those boys at the mall have in their depraved little minds because...
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Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic and lower middle economic people are not holding their end ...
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I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for inv...
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You can turn painful situations through laughter.
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Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.
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There's no labor a man can do that's undignified -- if he does it right.
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This was a threat being carried out -- $40 million for 22 years, ... I've watched these people, payi...
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If my father ever told me that, ... I'd tear the corner off a piece of paper and say, 'There you are...
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Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world.
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Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it,...
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The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will ...
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And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wo...
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I watch an awful lot of television, and I get a little tired of what I see... We have about six tele...
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I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!
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The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.
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Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has deve...
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A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.
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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact th...
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Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.
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Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homewo...
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I really do plan to get out of show business within five years or so.
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When I say, I don't care what white people think, I mean that.
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Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
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Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of yo...
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By the 1960s, many of us believed that the Civil Rights Movement could eliminate racism in America d...
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As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my broth...
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I can't negate the theory that the Huxtables on 'The Cosby Show' may have helped pave th...
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One of the beauties of watching our show is that, really and truly, it remains fresh because you're ...
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I asked her to dance and we did. Then I asked for her phone number and wanted to see her,
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Anyone should be able to say on stage what they want. But those who have knowledge, do understand th...
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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
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Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an app...
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I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not ...
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Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
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You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.
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They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people ...
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My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying "I love you." His love had to do with th...
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When you become senile, you won't know it.
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Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.
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People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish yo...
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I love cake. I love pie. I love potato chips. I love salt. I do not want yogurt, plain yogurt. It...
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George Booth and I are both funny, and from afar, without meeting, admired each other's work.
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I don't have a problem believing in God and Jesus. But in Genesis one has to wonder about these ...
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Social networking helps reach people easier and quicker.
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Parents are not quite interested injustice, they are interested in quiet.
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Father...knows exactly what those boys at the mall have in their depraved little minds because he on...
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The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that w...
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I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've ...
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Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter...
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I'm not going out and hitting a 95-mph fastball where I can't see the stitches. I'm not ...
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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
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Gray hair is God's graffiti.
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
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If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won't get them. I...
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The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
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When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn't even have a C...
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There's no tradition today except initials, 'CSI,' 'NCIS,' all the rest. Even wi...
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
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Gray hair is God's graffiti
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about these magical people with no jobs who live in apartments.
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[He didn't attempt to ease them into the real world.] You're out of here, ... You can't sit around a...
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That's not my daughter.
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Now all you parents who are saying, 'Come on.' I'm now going to throw it back at you. Where are the ...
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I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long...
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Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
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I think the part of media that romanticizes criminal behavior, things that a person will say against...
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Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dea...
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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
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And I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask...
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A thought comes . . . it's a true feeling, a funny feeling. And I get to develop it. [Writing] is mo...
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Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feeling...
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That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked
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It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful
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A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice
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If you read my sixth-grade report card, you'd notice that I started with unsatisfactory grades. My t...
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You are well-educated and you look cute, but that's not going to cut it.
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Now, Richard Pryor was unique. Many misunderstood his humor. He lit up the hallway, but they didn...
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I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I hav...
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There should be marches in every neighborhood every day telling the people about the negativity of d...
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That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.
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A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.
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And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
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In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to disciplne a child is still a...
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If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be app...
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Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it's not like whispering to your f...
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There are certain times of the day when you need a balance - that is, your protein and your carbs. I...
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The problems with kids having short attention spans is driven by entertainment, reset buttons on gam...
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Tons of comedians have said, 'I grew up learning from Bill Cosby. He's great.' But that ...
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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything - even po...
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There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
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I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
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Gray hair is God's graffiti.
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Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now t...
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The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
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Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences.
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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even pov...
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You don't reinvent yourself; you get better with what you do.
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If you watch kids looking at something on television, even something that's produced for them an...
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Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituari...
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Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: e...
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I see Obama as Sisyphus in the first four years. And nobody would speak about the size of the rock, ...
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What kept me out of trouble is going right to the edge and then... thinking that my mother would be ...
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A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times w...
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Our children are angry. The profanity is out in the street. It's on the buses and in the subway....
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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
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In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a da...
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George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking somethin...
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I am not going to give in to people who try to exploit me because of my celebrity status.
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It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
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Learning to read clusters is not something your eyes do naturally. It takes constant practice.
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My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
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The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
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The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, "I lov...
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betrayal, abandonment, deceit and manipulation.
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A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times w...
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What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts t...
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In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a da...
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When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a trainin...
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These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these...
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Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
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Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is t...
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Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice.
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The three ingredients of a successful union between two . . . humor, commitment & undying love.
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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do,...
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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try please everyone.
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Network executives never did understand what made our show work,
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The more you invest in that child, the more you're not going to let some CD tell your child how to c...
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We go out of our way to make people so different, ... to punish them because of color, because of se...
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I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quart...
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I was told maybe nine years ago by an executive who was working for a major network that the network...
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That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
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And it's wonderful to follow Clair and Cliff and their lives being successful, doing what they alway...
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Thank you for remembering me. I'm also happy to be accepting this trophy before I become incontinent...
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When in doubt, delete it.
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I was playing baseball but thinking about football. My heart wasn't in it.
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