٩(⁎❛ᴗ❛⁎)۶ try KnowYourSong.com largest music lyrics database

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.


Steven Wright

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON
I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ...
MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX
Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea.
JUDE WATSON
I don't care what people think of me, unless they think I'm mean or something, but I don'...
SIA
It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill
JUDE WATSON
I just feel like, with rappers, there's so much complacency. It's like, 'Oh, I'm a r...
J. COLE
Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON
I don't like it when people who are young act like they're 40. That's taking too much on...
TAYLOR SWIFT
Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill
ROLAND SMITH
I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I&#...
AMY SCHUMER
I'm not intimidated by lead roles. I'm better in them. I don't feel pressure. I feel rel...
MORGAN FREEMAN
I try not to put anything political on the forefront of what I'm trying to do creatively. At the...
MINDY KALING
I'm trying to figure myself out through my movies. Whether it's big stuff like what we'r...
JASON REITMAN
When I'm rapping, like, a turn up song, I'm thinking about what the people want to hear; thi...
TINK
I'm just writing about people. People are dark and complicated. I'm trying to tell the truth...
DAVID LINDSAY-ABAIRE
When I'm running fast, I don't feel anything, it's effortless, it's like my feet don...
EVELYN ASHFORD
I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing ou...
ADAM SANDLER
When I'm kissing someone, I don't want to feel as though I'm rubbing off all the makeup ...
CHRIS PINE
I'm the CEO of A$AP Worldwide. But as you can see, when I'm with them, everybody's equal...
ASAP ROCKY
It's really funny - when I'm depressed or I'm having a hard time, I'll write really ...
KATHLEEN HANNA
I'm an information junkie, and I don't mean that in snobby way. I'm not talking about wo...
DANIELLE SCHNEIDER
I'm just not into trying to convince people like me. I always say to myself, 'It is what it ...
NENE LEAKES
I'm not trying to influence anyone else; I'm not saying, 'Do what I do.' I think it&...
KIM KARDASHIAN
My sister is my little star, and I'm excited for her and proud of her. With her, I'm protect...
GIGI HADID
I'm not trying to make friends, I'm just trying to make money.
KEVIN O'LEARY
Please don't ask me for the actual answer to anything, because I don't have it. Because all ...
ANNIE LENNOX
I don't really necessarily think I'm a funny guy, but I like the opportunity to take on some...
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
I do say things that I think will shock people. But I don't do things to shock people. I'm n...
EMINEM
I'm trying to do what Eddie Murphy did for his generation. You have to show people, 'I'm...
KEVIN HART
When I'm writing, I'm trying to access my subconscious and turn off my conscious brain. I us...
DAN GILROY
I want to let you in on a little secret: I don't always feel like I'm a success. That's ...
JOYCE MEYER
If it's a good song and it fits me, that's what I'm going to do, I'm not out there t...
GEORGE STRAIT
I'm really busy, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.
GABRIELLE APLIN
I'm not trying to be something that I'm not, and I think a lot of people can relate to that....
A.J. STYLES
I'm very focused on what I do professionally, and I'm very focused on my family, and I don&#...
VICTORIA BECKHAM
I really don't like confrontations. One of the reasons I'm retiring is that I'm tired of...
EARL WEAVER
I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he know...
DON RICKLES
I'm not a great actor - let's face it. I don't have a great deal of scope. There are cer...
STEVE MCQUEEN
I'm just going to say I'm not gay. I really, really like women. That's all I can really ...
AARON RODGERS
I don't like to read the Internet; I'm not aware of what's going on.
VICTORIA LEGRAND
With the exception of octopus, I don't think I've met any food that I didn't like. And b...
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
I know what I'm like when I don't have a project coming up, and that's the mode I'm ...
ALLISON WILLIAMS
I'm not on Twitter or Facebook. I've never been interested in being on any of them. I don...
HANNAH WARE
I'd love to do a comedy. I'm terrified of comedy. I don't think I'm funny, but I gue...
JARED PADALECKI
Some songs are just going to be acoustic with just maybe some light background stuff going on and ma...
PHILLIP PHILLIPS
I love women. I'm trying to do beautiful things with them. I'm not trying to insult them. My...
CALVIN KLEIN
Don't think for a moment that I'm really like any of the characters I've played. I'm...
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I don't think my competition is with the heroes. I don't think I'm competing with anyone...
VIDYA BALAN
I'm not going to throw chairs; I'm not going to cuss. I'm not going to do that kind of s...
ANDRE WARD
I think, when I started writing songs, my voice just became another tool. It wasn't something th...
LAURA MVULA
When I write, I'm not trying to be funny. It's the way I look at the world.
BILLY COLLINS
I'm not trying to follow a set of rules and stuff. I'm just living my life.
JOEL OSTEEN
It's the relationship I have with the world: always trying to escape from reality. I'm a day...
AMIN MAALOUF
I'm trying my best with what I want to do, which is modelling. I think I'm on my own career ...
KENDALL JENNER
I always invest my own money in the companies that I create. I don't believe in the whole thing ...
ELON MUSK
It's not that I'm stupid. I just don't think sometimes.
COLIN FARRELL
You can't escape this feeling of disintegration. The world is fragile. But you also can't le...
MICHAEL SHANNON
I'm single. I just moved to a new city. I'm sort of starting over. I'm in Los Angeles. I...
SUTTON FOSTER
I'm not trying to make friends, I'm trying to make money.
KEVIN O'LEARY
I'm not qualified to do anything else. So there better be another job. I'm kind of stuck now...
ALFRED MOLINA
I'm not about my breasts; I'm just about good health, OK. I'm not afraid of doing what I...
JACLYN SMITH
When I get time off, my brain is just, that's it. I sit. I veg. People will think that I'm u...
STEPHEN AMELL
I'm not really someone who's always out on the scene going places. I'm a homebody. That&...
SETH CURRY
I'm really an inner spirit that only makes itself known through the music. A lot of people think...
FAITH EVANS
It's always better to shock people and change people's expectations than to give them exactl...
JONAH HILL
Because I'm in an adult world and I'm really working, my age is just a number. It's not ...
MANDY MOORE
I'm one of those people who when I go over a bridge, I want to jump. It's just this intense ...
WILLEM DAFOE
You know, I'm not really any good at working out when people are flirting with me. And I think I...
JOSH HARTNETT
My mind is in another planet behind the blocks. Sometimes I'm up in the blocks, and I'm like...
CESAR CIELO
I saw that Meryl Streep said, I just want to do my job well. And really, that's all I'm ever...
PAUL MCCARTNEY
Honestly, I'm cool with everyone, and people pick up on that. I'd say, 'I'm not gay,...
DYLAN MCDERMOTT
I think I have a strange relationship with time. I'm not really aware of that time passing. I do...
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS
I could do nice, but it's just not as much fun. Being nice isn't my biggest goal in life. I&...
SHARON STONE
Do I feel like I'm 65? No. I feel like I'm 15. That's my problem. I'm trying as hard...
RIC FLAIR
I'm like, bursting. I should be working. I don't want to take a break. It's funny, on se...
KRISTEN STEWART
The word's out: I'm a woman, and I'm going to have trouble backing off on that. I am wha...
ELIZABETH WARREN
I'm always trying to emulate guitar. Especially when I'm playing the trombone, that's wh...
TROMBONE SHORTY
The bottom line is, I'm blessed with good health. On top of that, I don't go around thinking...
BETTY WHITE
I have social anxiety. It's easier up on stage because there's security in being there. When...
SIA
I love lifestyle stuff, I love housewares. I'm really a homebody, honestly. Anything to do with ...
KELIS
In a way, I'm always trying to do something I'm not qualified to do. So I feel that lack of ...
JENNIFER EGAN
I'm aware of the decisions I make and the responsibility I have as a role model. I wouldn't ...
NAOMI SCOTT
I feel like a good mom. I'm a strong woman now... Don't look down on me. Pray for me because...
FANTASIA BARRINO
I'm probably not very funny. The scripts just don't come in, or the ones that do aren't ...
RAY WINSTONE
That's my contribution - running a sound, healthy company that serves millions of customers well...
JAMIE DIMON
I don't think that I could ever be a strict dad. I never grew up with anybody strict in my life....
RANDY HOUSER
When 'Men's Health' reached out and said, 'Will you be on the 'Today Show' a...
AARON SCHOCK
I don't want to be known as this bitter, ex-Scientologist. I'm not trying to bash anybody, a...
LEAH REMINI
So far, the biggest regret I have in regards to the world of 'Red Queen' is that I didn'...
VICTORIA AVEYARD
When you've been brought up in variety, I think timing is always important in your life. If I...
BRUCE FORSYTH
I'm just living in the moment, trying to win every game. That's all I'm focused on.
KAWHI LEONARD
I'm craving more soul, I'm craving more truth, I'm craving more socially - just people t...
JOHN LEGEND
I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just ...
ELLEN DEGENERES
That's what I do this for, to secure my family's future. I don't care about anything els...
CONOR MCGREGOR
I don't think I'm an angry person. I think I'm a person who's angry. I'm angry a...
AL FRANKEN
Sometimes I'm so tired, I look down at what I'm wearing, and if it's comfortable enough ...
REBECCA ROMIJN
I don't think there's ever been anyone like me that's lasted. And I'm going to keep ...
PARIS HILTON
What I'm hoping to do is see Democrats get elected. That's what I'm trying to contribute...
DANNEL MALLOY
I come in. I'm going to sketch, I'm going to drape, I don't know what I'm going to d...
GEOFFREY BEENE
I don't have too many bad days because I just don't let them happen. When I'm having one...
MATT DALLAS

More Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT
What a nice night for an evening.
STEVEN WRIGHT
What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
STEVEN WRIGHT
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
STEVEN WRIGHT
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renais...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door....
STEVEN WRIGHT
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Rena...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across...
STEVEN WRIGHT
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
STEVEN WRIGHT
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b...
STEVEN WRIGHT
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching...
STEVEN WRIGHT
The statue is permanently out of place in my house,
STEVEN WRIGHT
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT
The statue is permanently out of place in my house,
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT
Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
STEVEN WRIGHT
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought ab...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking t...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
STEVEN WRIGHT
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
STEVEN WRIGHT
At one point he decided enough was enough.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renais...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Hermits have no peer pressure.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've wanted to do it since I was 14 years old, from watching 'The Tonight Show,' watching Johnny (Ca...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It happens so fast, and I've been doing it so long that it's unconscious,
STEVEN WRIGHT
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
STEVEN WRIGHT
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT
How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I&#...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...
STEVEN WRIGHT
The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT
In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Hermits have no peer pressure.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in ther...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
STEVEN WRIGHT
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything
STEVEN WRIGHT