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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.


George Carlin

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I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE
And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed.
KEVIN SMITH
The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI
That's it really; it's all love, whichever way you look at it, it's all love. How much you can Get f...
GEORGE HARRISON
I’ve often wondered, since I was the moron that Billy Hicks and George Carlin were talking about, ...
BOBBY W. MILLER
Being fucked up is fine so long as you compensate for it.
KAMERON HURLEY
The consummate gentleman on the planet today is George Clooney, who never fails to go the extra mile...
ANNA KENDRICK
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches...
ROGER J. CORLESS
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freew...
BOB MOOREHEAD
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite direct...
GEORGE CARLIN
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
GERMAINE DE STAëL
I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT
I’ve often wondered, since I was the moron that Billy Hicks and George Carlin were talking about, ...
BOBBY W. MILLER
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do......
GEORGE CARLIN
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's al...
DREW CAREY
I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES
We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN
George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking somethin...
BILL COSBY
George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular com...
DREW CAREY
What makes somebody nice or unpleasant to be around is the way they communicate. When people are fuc...
RYū MURAKAMI
You look at Richard Pryor and Robert Klein and George Carlin and Richard Lewis - those guys were so ...
ARI GRAYNOR
If we all look at life we think how nice, then we look at death and everybody goes oh you can say th...
GARY F EVANS...
If we all look at life we think how nice, then we look at death and everybody goes oh you can say th...
GARY F EVANS...
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
GEORGE CARLIN
Only after the last tree has been cut down,only after the last river has been poisoned,only after th...
THE CREE PEOPLE
Today is about the now, the moment you live in, so do now what you want to do
SOTONYE ANGA
How have everything started???
Just two humans man and woman make so many people on the planet?...
DEYTH BANGER
I loved George Carlin... I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the HBO comedy specials. I loved...
MICK FOLEY
George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, mo...
DENIS LEARY
"Love is the most worst feeling in the world..... cuzz real people are fucked by themselves in the r...
ARMAAN
To search the sands of a lost desert for truth and justice in this world today you might as well be ...
GARY F EVANS...
We need __most to understand nature.
CLINTON HILL .........DEFENDER OF THE PLANET AND A NATURE LOVER.
Just remember that men are from a different planet, and you'll be fine.
E.L. JAMES
It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech an...
RON WHITE
Everyone is the Umbrella Man and he is everyone. Every cough, sneeze, smile and wave means both ever...
CRAIG CLEVENGER
When I was a bit older I had all of the George Carlin records, all of the Steve Martin records, all ...
MARC MARON
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN
[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN
Orion is above the horizon now, and near it Jupiter, brighter than it will ever be ... But i expect ...
THOMAS HARRIS
I do not understand people who will lustily throw $40,000 at the shiny red automobile of their choic...
DON BORCHERT
Beauty is the light within. Only when you see the light within yourself will others see it in you.
F. JOHNSON
I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES
Dedication is the preparation to success!
WERNER BOTHA
Well, I'm kinda like George Carlin. I think that there ought to be a time where everybody should...
MERLE HAGGARD
A fucked-up family's a fucked-up family, whether or not werewolves are involved.
CARRIE VAUGHN
Dreams are hopeful because they exist as pure possibility. Unlike memories, which are fossils, long ...
SHAUN DAVID HUTCHINSON
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think o...
GEORGE CARLIN
In life the only things that you see are things that you are projecting, and life presents you with ...
OSHO
We may not get to choose how we die, but we can chose how we live.
The universe may for...
SHAUN DAVID HUTCHINSON
A couple of customers interrupted [...] who wanted to know if we had some YA book about ants and ali...
SHAUN DAVID HUTCHINSON
But we talk about issues, we talk about people, we talk about personalities. George is a very good r...
LAURA BUSH
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It's just hard to see people from your past when your present is so cataclysmically fucked.
JONATHAN TROPPER
The only people who can have normal are the ones unaffected by all the fucked-up shit that happens a...
ILONA ANDREWS
What's the use of a fine house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
We've said from the beginning whatever people are willing to contribute is fine with us.
JAMES KETTERHAGEN
The fear of God is the only cure for the fear of people.
CRAIG GROESCHEL
Every day I think, 'Gosh, I wish I could be like George Carlin, Bill Maher: I want that edge....
TOM SMOTHERS
Underestimate is the sign of getting fucked up.
TOBA BETA
Most Politicians Are The Whores at The Establishment Party, But We're The Ones Getting Fucked
DEAN CAVANAGH
When the devil pays you back your fucked and when your fucked your a dead man walking.
BILLY S VANORSDOL
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, ...
CHRIS ROCK
No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up.
PHILIP K. DICK
Mother Superior jump the gun...
-The Beatles, Happiness is a Warm Gun
LAUREN MYRACLE
If the best is possible, than good is never enough and only do the best.
ROBERT SIAHAAN
His life seemed like a deck of cards, and in the midst of all those two’s and three’s someone ha...
TEKOA MANNING
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admi...
NORA EPHRON
The people's government, made for the people, made by the people, and answerable to the people.
DANIEL WEBSTER
Life is an example... of how much humans are fucked up for real.
DEYTH BANGER
Typing is the future of talking and to don't forgot and brother of feature.
DEYTH BANGER
This Bible is for the government of the people, by the people and for the people.
JOHN WYCLIFFE
She bought a poster of the Beatles and tacked it on the wall above her bed. On days when she was fee...
KEVIN BROCKMEIER
George Harrison was known as the quiet Beatle. Quiet people are often quiet because they are deep th...
RAY COMFORT
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT
No doubt George Carlin has been able to stay on top all these years because of his edge. He's always...
DANA HOUSE
How can you tell when the devil is lying? His lips are moving.
CRAIG GROESCHEL
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN
Do you ever wonder if--well, if there are people living on the third planet?'
'The third planet...
RAY BRADBURY
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Si vous êtes pris dans le rêve de l‘autre; vous êtez foutus.
GILLES DELEUZE
Your mind is a Microcosm of strength and power. There’s all the magic you need in it. When all els...
CHINONYE J. CHIDOLUE
There are more living organisms in a tablespoon of highly organic soil than there are people on the ...
HOWARD WARREN BUFFETT
The battle is not physical, it is spiritual and your mind is the battleground. Keep your mind pure a...
JEANETTE CORON
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit
GEORGE CARLIN
Some people believe that human is a native people of the planet earth, others believe in the opposit...
TOBA BETA
Some people believe that human is a native people of the planet earth, others believe in the opposit...
TOBA BETA
One of my greatest inspirations for stand-up was Jonathan Winters. He was a genius. One thing about ...
ROBERT KLEIN
I support the indigenous people anywhere in the planet.
EDWARD JAMES OLMOS
They see in the population’s hostility towards the left only the hostility towards the left, not t...
RED ARMY FACTION
He restored the Bible to its people, he restored the people to the Bible.
SHIMON PERES
The power to get along well with people is by learning never to expect too much from them.
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN)
There are people who eat earth and eat all the people on it like in the Bible with the locusts. And ...
LILLIAN HELLMAN
The guerrilla must move amongst the people as a fish swims in the sea.
MAO TSE-TUNG
It's more than public relations. We really are the kind of people who believe we can ultimately save...
JEFF SWANAGAN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN
The sea was very rough. There were many waves. They were in a wooden boat with a lot of people and a...
FRANCOIS MAHOUWA

More George Carlin

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN
Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think o...
GEORGE CARLIN
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people
GEORGE CARLIN
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the l...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe ...
GEORGE CARLIN
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front ro...
GEORGE CARLIN
Always do whatever's next
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
GEORGE CARLIN
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space...
GEORGE CARLIN
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
GEORGE CARLIN
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN
When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN
The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could...
GEORGE CARLIN
Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It...
GEORGE CARLIN
Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious becau...
GEORGE CARLIN
What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free wo...
GEORGE CARLIN
I find it discouraging—and a bit depressing—when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committi...
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when...
GEORGE CARLIN
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage,
GEORGE CARLIN
a blank slate -- and you get to play.
GEORGE CARLIN
Think off-center.
GEORGE CARLIN
If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN
They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN
If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN
we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to show...
GEORGE CARLIN
It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the adv...
GEORGE CARLIN
The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detache...
GEORGE CARLIN
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest...
GEORGE CARLIN
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'Yo...
GEORGE CARLIN
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, es...
GEORGE CARLIN
The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender...
GEORGE CARLIN
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN
... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN
The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN
But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN
In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN
One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN
If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN
put this whole thing behind me.
GEORGE CARLIN
I think, therefore I am. I think.
GEORGE CARLIN
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
GEORGE CARLIN
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN
Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighte...
GEORGE CARLIN
Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make n...
GEORGE CARLIN
Electricity is really just organized lightning
GEORGE CARLIN
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN
The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
GEORGE CARLIN
My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different plac...
GEORGE CARLIN
Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.
GEORGE CARLIN
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now...
GEORGE CARLIN
Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you c...
GEORGE CARLIN
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and...
GEORGE CARLIN
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN
He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN
'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN
Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage,
GEORGE CARLIN
[He appreciated its] compounded vulgarity, ... It had that Peter Finch in 'Network,' 'I'm mad as hel...
GEORGE CARLIN
I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror
GEORGE CARLIN
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN
You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!
GEORGE CARLIN
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that i...
GEORGE CARLIN
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to pi...
GEORGE CARLIN
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims; this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent vi...
GEORGE CARLIN
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
GEORGE CARLIN
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
GEORGE CARLIN
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball
GEORGE CARLIN
If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
GEORGE CARLIN
The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
GEORGE CARLIN
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still le...
GEORGE CARLIN
People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a '...
GEORGE CARLIN
Here's an interesting form of murder we came up with: assassination. You know what's interesting abo...
GEORGE CARLIN
You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fo...
GEORGE CARLIN
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
GEORGE CARLIN
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN
Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN
Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN
Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN
Religion is just mind control
GEORGE CARLIN
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN
Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN
I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN
What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN
Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN
I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN
He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN
Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN
'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
GEORGE CARLIN
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans
GEORGE CARLIN
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN